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  • Maxwell Maceluch

CWCville Forced to Celebrate Chris-Chan’s Birthday

Save them, GodJesus. No, actually, GodJesus help us all. Although former CWCville Mayor and real-life monster Christine Weston Chandler is spending her 40th birthday behind bars, her unwilling subjects are compelled to celebrate their goddess and mother’s continued life by way of psychic surveillance. If this is all incomprehensible nonsense, good. Anyone unfortunate enough to have an inkling of an idea about whatever a Sonichu is has some degree of psychological damage from exposure.

Separated from the center of their universe, the residents of CWCville got a taste of freedom for the first time since Chris-Chan disappeared into the Time Void. “At first,” the comic’s title side character admitted, “I had no idea what to do without her. Heck, sometimes I’d even possess her just to be close. But, as the days went on, I started to feel this immense sense of relief. The Crayola marker skies looked a little brighter, y’know?” We don’t, but we figure it will all make sense when The Dimensional Merge occurs. “Although I appreciate everything she’s done for me, like, having immunity of prosecution on the basis of being an Electric Hedgehog Pokémon is nice, the constant, unrelenting violence and sexual escapades got to be a bit much after awhile. Strangely enough, they stopped once our old Mayor disappeared…”

“She was a tyrant utmost despicable and I, for one, am ecstatic. CWCville might as well have been from The Handmaid’s Tale and it’s still a panopticon. ” Rosechu walked as she talked, a first for the Rosechu (species) as she is usually seen being carried by Sonichu. She is now a health teacher in the Ryan Cash Memorial High School who is attempting to undo the damage caused by Christine’s concept of… well… everything. “The nightmare ends with me.”

Not quite, Rosechu. The psychic surveillance CWCville residents are subject to was originally put in place in order to prevent homosexuality, which was an additional measure on top of Christine’s poisoning of the water supply by way of introducing a homophobic vaccine made with a sample of her own blood. It should be noted that Christine is attracted to both men and women; she has retracted her previous beliefs, though the road to LGBT acceptance has been rocky at best. Without the need to monitor gay thoughts, the supreme oversight the CWCian government has repurposed its wireless connection in order to ensure loyalty.

“Fuck no,” Blake, formerly known as Black Sonichu, exclaimed when the thoughts first beamed into his head, “It was bad enough that I had to tell her she had a ‘nice rack,’ do you think I was nervous because I was flustered? I was terrified. I’m not wishing her a ha-ha… Happy Birthd-d… AGH!!!!”

Perhaps our beloved Sonichus (species), Rosechus (species), and whichever other abominations that I literally cannot go into further detail on without succumbing to radiation poisoning and madness will know peace once the previously mentioned and prophesied Dimensional Merge occurs. For the blissfully uninformed, all fiction apparently exists within separate realities that utilize the Rick and Morty reality name scheme; Sonichu’s C-197 and our 1218 will fuse any day now. May he find solace in a realm ungoverned by Christine and may she actually fucking rot in a cell for the rest of her life because she’s an actual monster who has done seriously fucked up shit to her mother.

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