• Sam Wheeler

BUTT Exclusive: King Charles III’s Heartfelt Eulogy for His Mother, Queen Elizabeth


Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral took place earlier today at Westminster Abbey in London. We at The BUTT were given exclusive access (i.e able to infiltrate Buckingham Palace by claiming that we were a small-time University newspaper that is absolutely infatuated with BBC) to the heartfelt eulogy King Charles III gave for his dearly departed mother. Here's what the King said:


    “Queen Elizabeth II, co-author of The Troubles and my dear mother, is no more.

She has ceased to be, bereft of life, she rests in peace, she has kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed her last, and gone to meet Maggie, Great Head of Neoliberalism in the sky, and I guess that we’re all thinking how sad it is that a woman of such talent, such capability and wit, should now be so suddenly spirited away at the young age of only ninety-six, before she’d achieved many of the things of which she was capable, and before she’d had enough fun.


Well, I feel to that I should say, 'Nonsense. Good riddance to her, the power mad old crone. I hope she fries.'


And the reason I think I should say this is because it’s about damn time I got a turn on the bloody throne. I mean, come on mummy, I know you’re dead now but I’m only getting on the chair at seventy-three. Seventy-fucking-three. I’ve probably got about 10 good years before I’m out the door too and it’s just completely unfair. Do you have any idea how hard it was to sit around in Buckingham Palace being spoon-fed everything without actually being King? I was absolutely miserable touring around the world attending cocktail parties for the rich and connected. And really? You’re leaving me with Andrew? How was he still your favorite after you found out he diddled all those kids? You know what he said to me the other day? He said, 'Now that mum’s gone maybe I can take over sending the birthday letters, but perhaps we could lower the age from 100 down to say, 15 or so?' Ridiculous. Anyway, in closing, Andy you’re a nonce, mum you’re dead, and now I’m finally King. Oh, and if anyone so much as mentions Diana we’re moving back to an absolute monarchy, just you watch."


What a wonderful speech, Young Prince- oops, I mean King. Unfortunately, our dearly departed Queen is not the only one we must pay homage to this day. Our two international reporters who were able to retrieve the King's words were found dead outside of Buckingham Palace a few hours ago, with two gaping bayonet-holes through their chests. I guess it wasn't such a great idea to chant "Lizzy's In a Box" in front of the Queen's Guard until they snapped. They might not have thrown away their lives for much, but at least they were incredibly Based.

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