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  • Brendan Boyce

Audience Not Buying Zodiac Killer Died Offscreen: "He'll Come Back Next Season"

True crime fans were livid this week after the screenplay for David Fincher’s newest season of his Netflix serial killer docuseries leaked, revealing that the Zodiac Killer died offscreen in 2018. Apparently, a group of ex-law enforcement sleuths cracked the code in the Zodiac’s letters that proved his actual identity was Gary Francis Poste, which makes no sense, because in fact, Gary Francis Poste is not the same name as Ted Cruz.

In a public statement from Cancun Ted Cruz addressed his constituents with, “As much as I’d like to murder young men and women for my own satisfaction and experience the thrill of slowly stabbing my knife into their hearts as I slowly see the life dissipate from their eyes, I’m simply not smart enough to pull anything like that off. I don’t need to kill innocent Americans when I can find complete erotic satisfaction by becoming President and peacefully resolving our relations with the Middle East by carpet bombing schools and hospitals until they give us all of their oil.”

Instead of giving in to fan theories about Cruz’s involvement in the murders, because Fincher is some “auteur”, or “artist”, and cares about “historical accuracy”, he decided to subvert the audience’s expectations by making the killer some guy who’s as bland as a post.

A man who bases most of his boring personality on liking true crime said “I can’t believe this is the character they came up with. This guy’s job was literally painting houses. Not like ‘Ayyy I’m Al Pacino, I heard you paint houses’, but like he actually just painted houses. Who wrote this shit, David Benioff? I have nothing else left in my life to look forward to, and I’m still disappointed.” Fans were also outraged that most of the scenes involved “code breaking” and “investigation” instead of a montage of the horrific slaughtering of 37 people.

“Listen”, said one viewer, “first they cut the BTK Killer and have no binding, torturing, or killing in the show, and now we find out that the Zodiac Killer is already dead? Why would I watch a show that isn’t grotesquely violent and doesn’t glorify it’s portrayal of serial killers? What’s the fun in that? There’s no way that’ll happen, I bet in the first episode Ted Cruz is going to cut Hillary in half with a chainsaw, because she’s such a bitch.”

For now, avid true crime fans will have to eagerly await for a new serial killer to start butchering people in real life so Netflix can release another bland four-part documentary about them.

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