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  • Max Lieber

Alienware Announces New xHunterBiden Elite Gaming Laptop



In a controversial move to capitalize on the most recent conservative ploy to swing the election, the official Alienware twitter page has posted a sneak preview of their new “xHunterBiden Elite” laptop line.


The company describes the laptop as revolutionary, and states that its “so powerful it's scandalous” technology will give gamers the “privilege necessary” to dominate the competition. Apparently, it’s so powerful that it lets gamers get away with things in game that they wouldn’t get away with otherwise. In other words, you won’t get banned from other countries’ servers.


“With this bad boy, you can practically do anything.” said an ad on the company’s twitter. “There’s enough RAM to smoothly play any demanding title, while at the same time, keep tabs open on the status of your foreign investments. There’s more than enough storage for you to save the juicy documents that implicate you in a number of financial schemes and sex crimes, and for gigs upon gigs of porn.”


The laptop also comes with a slideout tray instead of a CD Drive which can be used as a “coke-friendly” surface.


The two most promising features touted by the company include the pristine quality assurance as well as its warranty/replacement service; this prevents the laptop from breaking down, and in the rare event of a malfunction, keeps the laptop from being inconspicuously "lost" in a "repair shop" to be found and reported right before a major election.


The “xHunterBiden Elite” is expected to go either on sale immediately following the election, or during the holiday season, which would most likely be after shit goes down.

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