• Maxwell Maceluch

Academy Awards Slated to Host 'Oscars Squid Game' in 2023



It ain’t no game. Now that Will Smith shattered the glass ceiling that shielded Chris Rock’s face with his bare hands by committing an egregious act of ultraviolence on air, Hollywood has no clue what to do with itself. Any actor, actress, or auteur that attempts to weigh in on the situation has been immediately outed as a creep, weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, murderer, cannibal, or all of the above. Who would have thought that such awful, belligerent people would be present in the Academy? Where have all the John Waynes of the world gone?

(Hold on a minute, my editor is calling me. Wait… John Wayne did WHAT at the 1973 Oscars award ceremony? Jesus Christ.)


Jim Carey and Zoë Kravits are among those that recently fell on the chopping block and, at the rate things are going, many are slated to follow suit. Mr. Oscar Meyer Wiener himself (who created the Oscars after realizing that a subliminal association between his weiners and big screen actors would be a rather effective marketing strategy) has recently made a public statement on the matter, claiming that the next award show will be completely under control while still providing just as much entertainment as that of this year. When asked about how exactly he’d go about this during an interview Vogue, Mr. Wiener simply grinned and held up a giant poster that read as follows:


“SQUID GAMES❗❗”


“The commoners crave brutality,” the Wiener man explained, “and although I have been personally traumatized by such a graphic display, the show must go on.” Wiener was seen being dragged out of the showroom just off camera breathing into a brown paper bag following the incident, according to eyewitness reports. “Besides, I fucking love Netflix and trends so much and also hate animation and anyone who works in the animation industry, so when it came to approaching the subject of the Oscars post-sl*p, I knew exactly who to come to for ideas. Fuck Stone Ocean and Cuphead specifically, by the way, their animators can die in a ditch after sucking on my Oscar Meyer Wiener.” Mr. Wiener and his cohort of equally eliter elites will hypothetically watch various actors meet similarly grim fates in their games (hopefully sans the fellatio, but it is the entertainment industry after all).


Each actor has a net worth of at least $100 according to Google.com, so each player’s Squid Game Bounty would certainly stuff the proverbial and literal piggy bank which will be suspended above the Squid Gamers as they play their Squid Game (Lord knows how much those participating will need the money, the poor, starving Bohemian Grove trotting artists that they are.) In order to appeal to American sensibilities, the Oscar Squid Games would be a little different than what you saw Seong Gi-hun go through in Squid Game. They would include, but not be limited to:


Hide-and-Go-Seek Tag: Actors are granted twenty Mississippi's-worth of time to hide somewhere inside the Dolby Theatre and have to remain unseen for five minutes under threat of gunfire. They can attempt to outrun the game organizers once caught, but said organizers have guns.


Truth or Dare: Actors must reveal any deep state information they hold, perform any task asked of them, or face threat of gunfire. If the ultimate winner of the Squid Games reveals any occult information during this game, they will unfortunately plan their suicide by way of a gunshot to the back of the head following the ceremony.


Bubblegum, Bubblegum, in a Dish: Actors gather around in a circle and are selected based on a particular rhyme. Those that are selected are faced with heavy gunfire.


Hunger Games: Based on the greatest piece of kino fiction to ever grace cinema and literature, this final game involves actors each being given a loaf of bread to fight to the death with them as their only weapons. Any attempt to use anything that isn’t a loaf of bread, such as one’s hands, will be met with gunfire. Will Smith will be the last person to ever lay another finger on someone else at the Oscars.


EDIT: Meyer Wiener’s legal team has informed us that learning about the nature of the potential games prior to their commencement provides readers with an unfair advantage, which is antithetical to the idea behind the Squid Games. The game organizers will now have to come up with a bunch of other children’s games warped by the inclusion of the potential threat of gunfire and they are not happy about it. As punishment for what they described as “meddling,” James Corden will be barred from participating in the Squid Games to ensure his survival since "everyone would undoubtedly gang up on him if given the chance". There will also be one BUTT writer selected at random who will be placed into the Squid Games.


:(





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