Sometimes, in our duty as factual and responsible journalists, we at the BUTT have to review products so you don’t have to - even if that product is some random natural health shit peddled by the TV personality and con-artist-by-proxy, Dr. Oz. We have developed an exciting list below for you to immediately believe and accept as fact!
Genuine Chernobyl Plutonium Breath Freshener and Tooth Whitener
Ad: “Have you ever felt repulsive? Disheveled? Utterly contaminated? Well, feel disgusting no longer, with this new Plutonium-based breath freshener! Not only that, the included tooth whitener will make your smile radiate throughout the room! All materials sourced responsibly from their natural habitat in Chernobyl Exclusion Zone, Ukraine”.
Wow, this one really made me feel like a radioactive pile of shit. My breath had some blood and glowing mucus mixed in and with this skin I was mistaken for Prince Philip. People said I looked more undead than the late prince does right now. The tooth whitening thing failed, but it was cool for a while because an iridescent glow is way cooler than white teeth. Unfortunately, I no longer have teeth so that’s kind of deceptive advertising. To their credit, no one complained about my breath but that’s mostly because I’m on a ventilator right now.
We’ll give this a 1.5/10 - if you’re terminally ill and going out on Halloween, this is a great product for you to look pretty damn gnarly and speed the process up a bit while you’re at it. Otherwise, stay clear and behind a lot of lead.
Gamma Ray Natural Rejuvenating Mist, “RaySpray”
Ad: “It’s a well known scientific fact that gamma rays, a natural byproduct of nuclear detonations, are a perfectly safe and essential part of Earth’s atmosphere, with countless health benefits. With the new RaySpray, you can apply concentrated nuclear particles to your face, body, or hair - and never suffer a health problem ever again!”
This is one of the best things we’ve ever reviewed here at the BUTT. Because despite its quite obviously lethal effects, it didn’t quite lie about ending future health problems, now, did it? We tried a micro dosage, and I think I look good in bald, though my skin is strangely reminiscent of Skyrim enemies or Akhenaten or Ramses III or some crap. I have not had any issues since, just some mutations, and I sincerely think I may have scientific grounds to join the X-Men now.
Our rating? 8/10.
Well, we hope you enjoyed our review of two dipshit-designed miracle products on Dr. Oz. Who wouldn’t believe him though? He’s on TV and he’s a doctor, so he must be right, and we’re some college students in the middle of nowhere. Still, as responsible journalists, it is our duty to test this crap. Remember, we tested these products not so you don’t have to, but because we REALLY don’t want you to either!
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