- Ethan Rosenblum
We Are Going to Write an Entire Article About CIW Without Mentioning Weed
Look, we get it. College in the Woods has a reputation. People who live there tend to like nature, and plants, and grinding those plants up and- and, you know what I mean. This is, like the first thing people learn about CIW when they get here. And maybe we’ve been a little caught up on this lately. As in, every article we’ve ever published about CIW has had the same punchline. But that’s ending now. We’ve heard your complaints about it. So, in this article, we aren’t going to mention w- whew, that was close.
College in the Woods consists of five buildings: Onondaga, Cayuga, Oneida, Seneca, and Mohawk, where the bathrooms don’t even have smoke detectors, making it really easy to- gosh darn it, how am I going to write myself out of this one? I guess if you ever need to burn some incriminating documents, Mohawk bathrooms are really good for that. The dining hall is only about a minute away from the woods behind the dorm halls, which is convenient when you have the munchies from hiking in the woods all day, enjoying nature, that’s what makes CIW people so hungry, duh.
We’d better get this article moving along- does that count? There’s no way that counts, right? I mean, a homophone in written form? No way, right? Okay, so, what else do CIW people even do? They have co-rec, right? Mohawk Hall again won co-rec football last semester, due to half the people in the building being D1 athletes. That might be true, that might not be, nobody knows, because nobody in CIW pays any attention to co-rec football because they’re all too busy smoking, um, briskets in their room, which is a serious violation of fire hazard code.
Okay, last chance. I just need anything CIW-related. Casino in the Woods is a thing, right? I think we can be pretty sure there’ll be a lot of high-rollers there. Get it? I made a pun about the no-no subject related to legitimate CIW news. That was pretty clever of me, the way I talked about weed without actually mentioning it. Aw, shit, I done goofed.