Two of a Kind: Diddy, Adams Spit in Face of Mamdani with Resounding Legal Victory

BINGHAMTON, NY – Yeah, I’m back again, and about time too. If you’re wondering

where I was, don’t worry – I’m ok. I was just running some errands for some… important

people. Speaking of which, Sean “Diddy” Combs was just acquitted of all serious

charges in the… shocking? conclusion of his sex trafficking and RICO trial. To get some

official thoughts about the victory, the BUTT spoke to one of his legal correspondents,

Joe Rhea Breiber, who said this about the outcome of the trial: “I mean, what can I say?

We just… put up a… great defense. The charges were… very exaggerated, and we…

worked together with Combs to… take great care to… show that to the jury.” When we

asked Breiber why he was dramatically slowing down at several points in his response,

he immediately stopped steepling his fingers and hid the dollar bills sticking out at

several places on his person including his collar, sleeves, and pants pockets, then said

“Uhh… no reason. You can ask anyone, they’ll tell you we won fair and square. Just…

not those twelve over there please.”

But we didn’t just want to take his word for it. We had to get not just an official report…

but a technical one. That’s right, we went back to investigator Ray Pexpert to see what

he had to say about the evidence presented in the trial. Regarding the… most obvious

piece of evidence, Pexpert said: “1000 bottles? Let me tell you, I’ve been riding Diddy…

WITH. Riding WITH Diddy since day one and he would need a lot more than that to get

that thing lubed up. Who cares if he had to hold me down?” When we asked about the

presented text messages and videos that seemed to all but prove misconduct with

several women and other victims of Combs’ “Freak-offs,” Pexpert clapped back saying

“Hah! You really believe that? Come on, it’s Puff Daddy! He would never do such a

thing. Besides, they probably asked for it… somehow. Why… why else would he do that

to someone?” As he finished his statement, Pexpert got choked up and eventually burst

into tears before running off. We got some information, but not necessarily what we

needed… or wanted.

So instead, let’s discuss conspiracy theory. If you’ve been keeping up with my coverage

of this case… well, first off, why? But second off, you’ll know that Diddy is a close ally of

fellow unpunished high-profile personality New York City mayor Eric Adams. And if

you’re a normal person who reads literally anything but the BUTT, you’ll have heard

about Adams’ loss in the mayoral primary to dreamboat Zohran Mamdani. Now, you

might think Adams is a scandal-ridden bumbling idiot who couldn’t get campaign

funding because he missed the paperwork deadline, but he was focusing his efforts

elsewhere. We all know how Mamdani feels about billionaires, and were it not for this

trial, Combs would still have that status. Now if you’re Adams, what do you do? Do you

fight a losing battle against just a… perfect, perfect man? Or do you get back at him in a

different way by helping to save your best bud billionaire from prison? Yeah, that’s right.

He didn’t forget to secure funding. He’s such an alpha male that he just didn’t care. I bet when Zohran hears about this, his head will turn into a train whistle and go WHOO

WHOOOO. But we’ll have to see. God forbid I have to write another article about this

shit, but stay tuned, my friends. Stay tuned.