• Brian the ALPHA MALE

Top 10 Characters Who Are Literally Me

Updated: Apr 16



When it comes to fiction, characters’ desires, fears, and motivations are often a lens for us to view humanity. This helps us empathize and sympathize with them in the situations and conflicts they must endure. I have compiled these characters who exhibit traits that I have.


10. THE DRIVER: Drive (2011)



Ryan Gosling portrays a getaway driver with a yearning for ending his life of crime. He starts a relationship with a woman down the hall of his apartment complex. His double lives come into conflict and his previous misdeeds are gaining on him, fast. It might not be so easy for him to get away this time.


I can’t drive at all so you must be wondering how I relate to him. He is literally me because although he stalks the woman from down the hall and her son on multiple occasions, he does it in a nice and caring way. (See Sharon? I am not a criminal to get a restraining order for. I am a nice strong driver guy who wants to care for you.)


9. Patrick Bateman: American Psycho (2000)


Patrick Bateman is a cool dude. In American Psycho, everybody loves him because he is a very likable person due to his cool interests, personality quirks, and style.


Just like Bateman, I too have a vigorous morning routine. I shower with an exfoliating mask and rub essential oils and moisturizers into my skin. I often have trouble remembering people's names at work; they're all literally the same person! I love listening to the greatest artists of our generation (Have you ever heard of the Island Boys? I think their undisputed masterpiece is "I'm An Island Boy". A song so catchy, people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of being an "island boy who's been trying to make it". It's also a political statement regarding the failures of capitalism.) I also think that poor people are poor because they're too lazy to get a fucking job.


8. Batman: The Batman (2022)




Bruce Wayne (Robert Pattinson) is an emo loner (literally me) who is in his second year of vigilantism and is still learning the ropes. During the film, he proves himself to be a true hero.


This Batman showed me that staring at women getting undressed makes me a hero. Of course, I will do that while listening to Nirvana.


7. Walter White: Breaking Bad (2008-2013)



Walter White is an ordinary man who becomes extraordinary after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Since his job as a high school chemistry teacher does not make him any money, his family cannot afford to pay for the treatment of his condition. White then decides to use his knowledge of chemical synthesis to produce blue rocks that he and his business partner, Jesse Pinkman, sell to local rock collectors.


Over the course of the show, Mr. White realizes that there is only one thing that matters in life: Family. As the breadwinner of the house, he turns to a life of crime in order to provide for who he loves.


Walter White is exactly the kind of dad I'd like to be. He is able to take care of his wife Skyler White and his son Walter Jr. while running a very successful business. He never takes free handouts and is always willing to put in the work. He is assertive in the workplace, and will not take abuse from his boss or allow his coworker to slack on the job.


6. Tony Soprano: The Sopranos (1999 – 2007)


I'm from Jersey, so I can really relate to how Tony struggles with living in the worst state known to man. I can't stand it when people don't do the things I've asked them to do.


I also cheat on my wife all the time and I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING SON AND I ALSO HAVE SEVERE DEPRESSION


I YELL AT MY STUPID BITCH THERAPIST. SHE'S A JAMOKE.


GIMME SOMMA THAT GABAGOOL


5. Joker: The Joker (2019)


Joker is just a normal guy who doesn’t like to bother people that much. Then some stuff happens and he gets sad. Not fair!


I'm a comedian. I love to make people laugh! (Here's a joke for ya: What do you get when you cross a mentally ill guy gamer with a society that treats him like trash? YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE: A BUTT WRITER.)


I like to bathe my mommy. I cool off in the fridge after dancing naked with my handgun in front of the mirror.


4. Tyler Durden/The Narrator: Fight Club (1999)



I like to make a soap that smells nice. Sometimes I make a whoopsie and accidentally destroy an entire financial district. I also think Brad Pitt is inside of me.


3. Rorschach: Watchmen (1986)



like cold beans. Good gaydar. All Germans gay. Hrm.


2. Gonzo: Muppets From Space (1999)



I am an alien. I want to have sexual relations with chickens. I want to commit suicide by cannon.


Honorable Mentions


Paul Atreides: Dune (2021)



Paul Atreides is the kind of leader we should all aspire to be. He is not afraid to stand up for himself (such as when he must fight the Middle Eastern Freemen named "Jamis" in self defense), but also show vulnerability (especially to his mother the Lady Jessica, who is a girlboss, and his bro, The Duncan from Idaho).


I am also as sexy as Timothée Chalomet. I could totally have a girlfriend as hot as Zendaya.


I love snorting crack.


Saul Goodman: Better Call Saul (2015-)



I like to lie in court. I am very good at arguing. I can use the word "chicanery" in a sentence (somebody stop this damn "chicanery" at once!).


Joe: Bladerunner 2049 (2017)




I would be completely alone if not for my Hatsune Miku Bodypillow. She is literally the same as the AI gf that Joe has in the movie. Also, I have many cybernetic enhancements, like my pager.


1. Crazy Frog




I like to hover around with my penis out while I make inhuman noises.



THANK YOU, DON’T THINK LESS OF ME, U NOW KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF. I AM TEARING MY SKIN OFF.


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