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  • Brendan Boyce

Snoop Dogg Drops Out of Halftime Lineup After Finding Out That the Super Bowl Isn’t a Giant Pipe

Snoop Dogg, a celebrity stoner who also raps in his free time, has reportedly dropped the Super Bowl LVI Halftime show like it’s hot after finding out that it is not a giant bowl of weed, but rather a game where two opponents compete to see which team has the most catastrophic mental and physical ailments caused by chronic traumatic encephalopathy (also known as really fucking serious brain damage). The Super Bowl has a strict “no-three-foot-blunts” policy on the premises, which finally drove Snoop Dogg away from attending the event.

Snoop commented on the situation during a Breakfast Club interview this week: “Man when I heard about the Super Bowl, I thought it was gonna be a bowl literally the size of Kevin Hart. I thought Tom Brady was the best toker in the world but all he uses is CBD lotion. It's alright though, I’m just gonna celebrate Valentine's Day early with my hoes.” In commiseration with Snoop Dogg, Joe Burrow said instead of smoking a cigar after his win, he’ll take a fat bong rip.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was disheartened by the news, saying “It’s awful that snoop Dogg decided to cancel his part in the halftime show, because including African-Americans was supposed to show how not-racist we are, especially when scandalous email leaks and class action lawsuits from coaches prove that yes, we are indeed very racist.” Avid NFL and music fans will just have to hope that Eminem spends as little time on stage as possible, because he hasn’t released a half-decent album in over a decade.

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