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  • Maxwell Maceluch

Scientists Announce it's Possible to Pull Something Out of a Black Hole But Refuse to Say How

A leading team of astrophysicists in NASA operating under the world-renowned researcher Dr. Dobson revealed this morning that matter and possibly life itself exists beyond the event horizon. That is all that can be said on the matter at the moment though. He and the rest of his ingenious crew would not elaborate on this earth-shattering breakthrough any further to save their lives, only passing knowing glances to one another and smirking when asked.

“Oh, you’d love to know, wouldn’t you.” Dobson taunted, “Yeah, I bet you would.” Rubbing his head and staring up at the ceiling, staff organizer Dr. Robson chimed in, “I can’t believe we hadn’t figured this out sooner. I mean, it’s just so obvious.” When reminded that this discovery could fundamentally shift humanity’s understanding of the universe as we know it, one of them let out a faint giggle before being promptly elbowed. I’m also pretty sure another one of these goobers hiding within their sea of lab coats stuck their tongue out at me and blew a raspberry my way when I wasn't looking.

“Answer me these riddles three,” Dr. Jobson, a secondary researcher, commanded, “And only then, you shall see…” His lips formed an inverted bell curve bookended by rosy red cheeks. The task at hand was nigh impossible since the riddles revolved around what were clearly inside jokes about NASA, which the team (of course) ate up. I pleaded they all take this seriously and they parroted my request in a nasal tone.

“You know what, we’ve given you a hard time and you’ve been a really good sport about it all. Here.” Dobson handed me a folded piece of line paper and it contained nothing but a crude drawing of a penis inside. The team broke into a laughing fit. I ran out the door crying.

“P-Please, I signed a blood oath, I-I can’t…!” pleaded John Doe, an intern we here at The BUTT recently kidnapped and tortured for information. “I can’t say anything, He will know.” Black liquid poured out of his trembling eyes, nose, mouth, and the open wounds where his fingernails used to be (which we removed in the process of trying to determine who “He” was). I didn’t care. I pressed forward. They wouldn’t make a fool out of me. After bargaining with Doe, who, at that point, was only His mere vessel, I finally got a lead at the cost of five years of my life and my firstborn son.

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