Fellow students of Binghamton, spring has snuck up on us once again, and all of its
wonders are here! I know that we’ve all been missing joys such as pollen, unpredictable weather, and mud that you sink up to your waist in. And yet, with the season, a certain undeniable anxiety fills each and every soul on campus, spiking every time they spy a chipmunk, hear a bird call, or trod upon yet another earthworm.
The question is this: Do the woodland creatures we share a campus with have room in their miniscule hearts for you and me? Fear not, oh reader, for the Binghamton University Times Tribune has crafted a rigorous examination of whether your actions have earned you the highly conditional love of our forest-dwelling friends!
1. Have you ever littered in the Nature Preserve?
A. No
B. No (but I will litter anywhere else).
C. I exclusively take my trash there to dump it in the pond.
D. What’s the Nature Preserve?
2. Which of these things sound like the most fun to you?
A. Sleeping when it is cold outside.
B. Smashing my face repeatedly into a wooden object.
C. Feeding the squirrels used cigarette butts.
D. Committing ecoterrorism.
3. Would you still love your partner if they were a worm?
A. No, worms are icky, and belong on wet asphalt for me to squish.
B. Depends on the type of worm.
C. Jokes on you, I don’t love them now!
D. I am not in a relationship. :(
4. What type of animals have you hugged before? (Select all that apply)
A. Deer (Also the ticks on it- I have Lyme disease).
B. Woodpecker, and I have the scars to prove it.
C. Frog (Royalty status optional)
D. Frat Guy from Long Island.
5. Who is your favorite author from this list?
A. Rachel Carson
B. Jane Goodall
C. Ted Kaczynski
D. Snoop Dogg
6. What is your favorite holiday?
A. Valentines Day
B. Thanksgiving
C. Leif Erikson Day
D. Pi Day
7. If a chipmunk revealed to you that it can sing, how would you respond? (Choose up to 2).
A. Devote at least 40% of my waking hours to thinking about this.
B. Exorcise it ASAP.
C. Capture it with the intent to exploit it for your own gain.
D. Sing back at it louder, so that it understands that it is not special.
8. Would you rather fight 100 squirrel sized bears, or one bear sized squirrel?
A. 100 tiny bears
B. 1 larger than average squirrel
C. What does this have to do with their affection? Sometimes people who love each
other fight, but as long as they are respectful and understanding of the others
concerns, it isn’t necessarily a problem.
D. I would rather fight both options at the same time.
9. How many fun facts about squirrels do you know?
A. One, I just don’t feel like telling it right now.
C. I know lots of things about squirrels, but none of what I know is fun.
D. That they hibernate?
10. What should you do when you see a wild animal?
A. Give it space, don’t damage it’s habitat, and back away slowly if needed.
B. Give it space, don’t damage it’s habitat, and back away slowly if needed.
C. Give it space, don’t damage it’s habitat, and back away slowly if needed.
D. Feed it several illegal substances, wait for them to kick in, and release it in the
nearest available dining hall.
Scoring- Add one point for each correct answer.
1. A. and B. are correct.
2. B., C., and D. are correct. A. just means you’re a poser.
3. Only D. is correct, out of pity. Loser.
4. A., B., and D. are all acceptable (add one point for each). If you picked C., add no points,
because the frogs like their personal space.
5. Only D. is correct.
6. Trick Question, animals can’t read calendars. Subtract one point if you answered this one.
7. B. and D. are correct. Bonus point if you selected both.
8. Only D. is Correct.
9. B. and C. are correct. Subtract one point if you picked D.
10. Only D. is Correct.
Final Tally!
-2 to 3 – Were they capable of complex thought, each and every one of the living things
in the hills would try to eradicate you.
4-7 – You disgust the living beings around you, including your roommate.
8-11 – They tolerate you. Barely. Some of the one with lower standards may hang out
sometimes, such as the star-nosed mole, or turkey vultures.
12 – You somehow meet all the criteria for being worthy of the love of our furry little
friends! Good Job!