As a show of deep gratitude, The Binghamton Fund for Excellence applied ear tags to all current faculty members, each printed with a compliment to Binghamton University’s many donors. The aim of the project is to show students just how much of their education and comfort on campus is due to the generosity of alumni, parents, and anonymous millionaire baseball fans.
“We invite students to glance away from their fucking phones for literally one second to look at how fucked they’d be without our donors,” wrote a representatve of the Student Philanthropy Committee in an email. “To be quite honest, you should all be grovelling in the fucking dust, but we can’t force you to do that so how about you slide us a few hundred you cheap fucks?”
President Stenger asserted that the ear tags were applied humanely and that all professors are expected to maintain 65 to 100 percent of their normal hearing in the applied ear. “You really get used to them after a while” said a professor who wishes to remain anonymous. “The only real downside is that the GPS tracker in the tag shocks me in the shower sometimes. Other than that I’m doing good!”