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  • Ethan Rosenblum

Pope Endorses Travis Scott Burger as Valid Communion Substitute

Pope Francis shocked the world Thursday when he announced that the McDonald’s Travis Scott Meal is an acceptable substitute for communion for those whose churches are still closed for the pandemic. Soon after the Travis Scott Meal dropped in early September, it became clear that it had taken a sacrosanct place in the minds of many, as followers flocked to local McDonald’s chains to perform the accompanying rite- a solemn recitation of the opening bars of “Sicko Mode”- before consuming the meal, which they claim is a transubstantiative representation of the artist’s self and spirit.

These followers were initially dismissed as a cultish sect, but they have now been afforded legitimacy by the highest authority that isn’t a millenia-old book. This move upset evangelicals and fundamentalists, many of whom expressed their discontent. As John Tucker of Alabama opined, “Who does that Pope think he is, always pontificating about how I should worship? If you ask me, this is nothing more than a shallow attempt to incorporate foreign beliefs in order to expand his control.” The irony of that statement is, of course, that the incorporation of foreign beliefs to expand control is how religions are formed.

But that wasn’t the only argument against it. “That just isn’t in The Bible,” said John Tucker (R-AR), a fierce advocate for the border wall and an opponent to free healthcare, even though Jesus was willing to provide the latter service to someone who had a preexisting condition of death. “I mean, what’s next? Acknowledging that religion-based opposition to abortion is rooted in the Biblical conception of women as property? It’s a slippery slope we’re dealing with here.”

The Pope himself acknowledged their concerns, but maintained that the meal represented incredible value, and reiterated that this was only a temporary measure. When asked if he felt it was inappropriate for a man of his position to endorse a Sprite-containing meal from an artist who referenced lean twenty-one times on his second album, Francis paused and looked up. After a moment’s reflection, he simply said, “Let it be Lit.”

And it was Lit.

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