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  • Brendan Boyce

New York State Bans Weed Again, CIW Students Go Back to Huffing Paint



This past week New York State reversed the legalization of the completely natural, organic medicine known as Mary Jane. In a frenzy of physical withdrawal symptoms, CIW students found other legal ways to dampen the unbearable existence of sobriety. Dan “Dan the Man” Manfred, a student living in Mohawk found creative ways to stimulate his time as a philosophy major.


Through a silver metallic smile, Dan said “My day usually starts with huffing paint, it’s a real rush in the morning. I know it’s not unhealthy, because I bought it at a store. I don’t drink alcohol, because the government wants you to believe it’s healthy so they can control you, so instead I just drink mouthwash whenever I go out. It’s mostly just a social lubricant, unless I boof it, then I can barely walk. Why would I go to big pharma for my anxiety when I can have the minty, refreshing taste of Listerine? It’s not all just fun for me though, because I sniff bath salts before I need to study for a while, it helps me focus. When I really need to get those creative juices flowing I’ll smoke 40x extract of salvia so I can gain insight into the inner workings of my mind and my insignificant role in this chaotic, uncaring universe. Before I fall asleep I’ll take 250-300 mg of Benadryl, or enough that it feels like spiders are crawling all over me.”


Parents and legislators are worried across the state that if marijuana is strictly regulated, other teenagers might start forcing mouthwash up their ass too. Dan continued the interview as he hooked up three juuls to a car battery and asked the interviewers if they would like a glass of cough syrup or his own concocted “nutmeg juice”, to which they politely declined.


“Yeah man all of those lizards in Congress are scared of people finding out the truth so they took away our medicine, our super cheese, our jazz cabbage, our bubonic chronic, our Puff the Magic Dragon, and they expect us not to torch a little salvia before class? Free country my ass. Now they’re so scared of kids huffing paint, it goes to show how well my protest is going.”


Dan the Man attempted to grow mushrooms and weed in his dorm, but it’s really hard to grow plants after huffing a can of paint. Dan the Man and I implore New York to reverse their ban on weed, because I can’t write this shit sober and cough syrup does not taste good.


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