- Sam Wheeler
Khamenei Appeals to Iranian Women Amidst Protests: “How About You All Just Wear Baseball Caps"
As the protests in Iran over civil rights and basic freedoms continue into a third month, the supreme leader of the nation, Ayatollah Khamenei, made an appeal to protestors. “Despite what you ungrateful rabble rousers might think, we humble servants in the government have been listening. Between ordering our religious police to torture and kill you and repeatedly shutting down the internet to prevent you from coordinating, we’ve been doing some brainstorming. We propose to partially repeal our hijab laws and require women to wear baseball caps instead. And to make this truly a people’s decision, we will be opening up this policy change to a non-binding referendum. Only men above the age of 25 will be eligible to vote.” The Ayatollah’s message was broadcast over state television to reach as many citizens as possible. The BUTT’s reporters on the ground in Iran have captured some responses from the Iranian people.
“An absolutely brilliant decision”, says Dariush Kuhmerdazeh, a proclaimed non-follower of politics, “this is civil society at its best. Women will no longer be forced to wear the hijab except in certain circumstances, and all they have to do is wear a baseball cap instead! Both sides can walk away satisfied. Think of the self-expression we’ll see; women everywhere can show their support for their favorite baseball team, except for the Mets, I hate the Mets.”
Others, however, were less happy with the announcement, “Rubbish and rotten to the core, an utter insult to our faith”, says Abtin Brouzh Zaden, an ardent supporter of misogyny, “Women must wear the hijab; it is about respect and piety. It’s a slippery slope I say, if we let women choose whether or not to wear the hijab what’ll be next? They’ll be accusing us of widespread sexual harassment next, which is totally unfounded by the way, take my word on that, and we’ll all be in the slammer.” Mr. Zaden declined to comment if he was harassing women wearing baseball caps, but he definitely was.
Still others were dissatisfied, “Are you fucking kidding me? Everyone in this country’s gone off the damned deep end”, says Shirin Rajavi, “at the core of our protest is the concept of choice. But clearly that’s too complex for the likes of our leaders to grasp. You know, I’m beginning to think that a religion in which the male afterlife is based around the concept of 72 virgins, 70 of which are supposedly taken from hell and are unable to consent to their placement in such a despicable harem, might not be too friendly to women.”
Prescient words from Ms. Rajavi. The BUTT will report on the results of the eventual referendum and if, as some have begun to hope, any change will come to Iran’s oppressive regime. In the meantime, here is a goat wearing a hat to lighten your spirits: