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  • Yuri Mumm

Kevin McCarthy Ejected from House After "Sus" Accusations

After an Emergency Meeting last Tuesday, Kevin McCarthy has been ejected from the House of Representatives, after being accused by several far-right Republicans of being an Imposter. Despite fervent and eventually quite panicked appeal from McCarthy, ending in an emphatic “Nuh uh,” he was still voted out by the Representatives.

The Emergency Meeting was called by Matt Gaetz (R-Florida) who many feel is sus himself, given a history of DOJ investigations around inappropriate things with mini-crewmates. Nevertheless, the DOJ dropped those charges for some reason, so he’s still around, and flexing his vote. He was quoted as saying the following: “Nobody Trusts Kevin McCarthy, because he did some tasks with Blue, and Blue is sus, so Kevin McCarthy is sus too.”

This whole ordeal comes after years of McCarthy’s attacks on suspected communists, as per his frequent cries of “Red is SUS.” This made him some enemies, as everyone had assumed that communist accusations from a man named McCarthy had ended in the 1950s, and yet here they were again.

A response suggested by some Republican Crewmates has been the removal of the Emergency Button. “It gives any one of us the power to interrupt the rest of us,” says Rep. Don Bacon (R-Nebraska). “I was doing my tasks in my home state of Nebraska, frolicking in the corn, and all of sudden I see a red flash, and BAM, I’m in the Capitol. Chaos, all from a few clowns who barely do any tasks. Could I borrow some change for bus fare, by the way?”

On the other hand, several lawmakers have pushed forward a bill giving NASA a much needed boost in funding, on the stipulation that some of it be used to send McCarthy flying into the cold and dark vacuum of space. When asked to comment on the NASA spending bill, the leader of the Democratic Party in the House, Hakeem Jeffries (also an alumni of Binghamton University), had this to say: “AMOGUS.”

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