Billionaire and possible war criminal Jeff Bezos announced on Sunday that he was in the process of purchasing three lucrative, high-profile business. The first two buys consist of Walmart and Microsoft, the respective titans of supermarkets and technology.
“We know people can buy pretty much anything from Amazon, but now we really want to change the way people buy practically everything,” Bezos said in his announcement.
Walmart, once thought a direct competitor to Amazon delivery services, decided that a peaceful merger would be better than getting Bezos' personal army of overworked contractors to infiltrate their stores and take the company by force.
Bill Gates, current technical advisor and founder of Microsoft, was asked on how he feels about Bezos’ plan on purchasing his tech giant. “Fuck it, why not,” said Gates. “I already made my money, might as well cash out now.”
The most perplexing buy consists of the acquisition of Truffula trees from the Dr. Seuss book, The Lorax. Like the Onceler himself, Bezos has decided to purchase the rights to the word “Truffula,” as well as the rights to a special material that he believes would most closely mimic the texture of the cartoon fluff from the 2012 movie. This texture is made of Paraná pine tree leaves, an endangered tree species domestic to Brazil.
Following the Sunday announcement, a real life Lorax has presented himself. The fuzzy orange dwarf, who actually goes by Ted Fletcher, claims that he speaks for the trees, and the trees are saying that this is a really weird idea. “What would even be the point of this purchase, to create all of these new fangled searches,” Fletcher told the BUTT. “C’mon, Bezos, you’re better than that, you don’t want your greed to make you too fat.”
Bezos is set to finalize the purchase on February 29 of 2021.