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  • Brendan Boyce

Jeff Bezos Pledges 2 Billion to Stop Jeff Bezos from Accelerating Climate Change

At the COP26 climate conference in Glasgow, Jeff Bezos, the ex-Amazon CEO and ex-husband to multi-billionaire Mackenzie Scott, pledged two billion dollars to fight climate change that he helped create. Bezos joined in with most of the UN by patting himself on the back for saying nice things and doing the absolute bare minimum for good PR.

In his speech he declared, “If I can change a small online book seller into one of the largest polluters in the world, then everyone in this room can sign this agreement, because we all already know that nobody’s going to follow them. When I looked at Earth from inside of my spacecraft, which totally went super far, 66.5 miles is really really far guys, it’s further than every poor person has ever went into space… Ahem, when I looked down all I could think about was how small the Earth was, and how my plans for world domination by 2030 doesn’t seem too far-fetched. But the point is, if everybody just brings their own bags to the grocery store it will completely erase the giant island of trash in the Pacific Ocean that Amazon has single handedly created.”

Bezos’ speech was mostly met with a lukewarm reception, until he announced his two billion dollar donation for tax write offs, and everyone realized that they could embezzle over a billion dollars without doing anything for the environment. After the empty promises of the COP26 conference, it is clear that some things will never change. Corporate greed will continue to wreck the global ecosystem past repair, I will continue my deep descent into benzodiazepine addiction, and James Corden will continue making absolute dumpster fires of movies.

Some good news came out of the conference however, as Greta Thurnberg, disgusted at how the climate conference went, announced that she will become an domestic terrorist targeting large fossil fuel corporations instead of being a spokesperson against climate change, as she leads the fight against capitalism, pollution and the patriarchy one improvised explosive device at a time.

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