Following his fall from fictional grace, 20-year-old English major Charlie Stewart has ditched casting magic missiles in his wizardly robes for snorting lines off his cocobolo desk in a suit and tie.
Stewart was an active member of Binghamton’s Live Action Role Play Club, a group dedicated to wearing costumes to match their characters and brandishing DIY weapons that remain in line with SUNY guidelines. Stewart himself often guided his fellow adventurers as Cornelius Rithar, a self proclaimed warlock-assassin. According to him, “They couldn’t handle Rithar’s dark mode.”
“He was constantly breaking the ‘No face hitting’ and ‘No kicking below the belt’ rules,” Rithar’s former party members told The BUTT. “Sometimes he’d even throw bang snaps at us and call them spells. When we told him to knock it off, he’d kneel on the ground, clench his wrist, and vigorously shake his hand, claiming that he cannot control the power within or something. We couldn’t take it anymore after his ‘dark mode’ booked Galthazar the Wise a ride on Harpur’s Ferry.” The group filed a collective restraining order in March 2020.
Without an outlet to release his inner darkness, Rithar was left to rot. “I was in a real rut,” Stewart told us while on a smoke break, “But I was able to channel my power into some nobly articulated cover letters on Handshake.com.” Starting out as a new E-ZPass® data entry clerk for Paper Alternative Solutions Inc. in early April, he quickly found himself inside a cubicle. “I realized early on that it’s all just a game.”
New place, new face. With Rithar gone, Stewart found another persona to breathe life into. “Patrick Belfort looks out for number one,” he explained, “For him, the grind just doesn’t stop.” He handed our reporter a business card with his stats and character build and, needless to say, his charisma was totally maxed out.
Waking up at three each morning, Belfort eats four raw eggs before walking his dog, Galthazar, for five miles. “From 9-5 it’s shaking hands, making plans, answering calls. Every interaction is a duel or means to amass numbers. If they can’t beat you, they grovel at your feet.” Through this mindset, Belfort managed to hop straight from associate to manager within a matter of months. “They’re called boss battles for a reason.”
“Each time I switch departments, the PCs [Playable Characters] become NPCs [Non-Player Characters].” This became routine for Belfort as his INTJ stare continued to sear straight through the office. After a certain point, around his first week as Senior Vice President, CEO Michael Coppola attempted to fire him for suspected business fraud, landing Belfort his spot following a heated court case.
“I don’t even think he carries anything in that duct-tape briefcase,” receptionist Phoebe Booba told The BUTT, “And I’m almost certain he’s wearing a Halloween costume.”
“Sometimes,” Belfort revealed, “I imagine rival companies as my former party.” He refused to elaborate further outside of a faint growl.