BINGHAMTON, NY –
ATTENTION XYUINWXRTCBELYDUQR,
DO NOT THINK THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE GONE UNNOTICED clash hey sound effect. YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF THE VERY FIRST¹ COMMENT ON THE BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY TIMES-TRIBUNE WEBSITE. FIRST AND FOREMOST, I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE YOU FOR THIS AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT THAT ONLY ONE PERSON CAN EVER ACCOMPLISH.
HOWEVER, I CANNOT TAKE THE INSULT THAT YOU HAVE THROWN AT ME LYING DOWN. YOU SEE, IF YOUR FEEBLE MIND CAN EVEN RECALL, REMEMBER THAT YOUR COMMENT WAS MERELY A GIF OF THE SCENE FROM SPONGEBOB WHERE THE FUNNY FISH SAYS, “Oh brother, this guy stinks!” foghorn sound effect. IT IS NOT TRUE. I DO NOT STINK. BY POSTING YOUR OFFENSIVE AND HATEFUL COMMENT, YOU HAVE MADE THE ENTIRE WORLD THINK THAT I STINK, WHICH IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT THE CASE. JUST YESTERDAY, SOME CHILD POINTED AT ME, TUGGED ON HIS MOTHER’S SLEEVE, AND SAID, “Look, mama! That’s the guy from Binghamton University’s only intentionally satirical newspaper who got violated by a comment on his latest article!” DO YOU KNOW WHAT THINGS LIKE THAT DO TO A MAN? I CANNOT TAKE THIS KIND OF SLANDER train whistle sound effect.
AS A CONSEQUENCE FOR YOUR HEINOUS ACTIONS, I WILL BE USING THE BUTT WEBSITE TO SEARCH FOR YOUR IP ADDRESS, HOME ADDRESS, AND ANY OTHER ADDRESS THAT I DEEM RELEVANT TO GIVING YOU A KNUCKLE SANDWICH lego star wars building sound effect. AFTER GIVING YOU SAID KNUCKLE SANDWICH, I WILL CONTINUE MY REVENGE BY FINDING ALL OF YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION AND POSTING IT ON THE INTERNET SO THAT OTHERS MAY JOIN ME IN MY CRUSADE TO PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE WRONG AND THAT I DO NOT, IN FACT, STINK.
IF YOU WISH TO AVOID THIS FATE, YOU MAY FIGHT ME DIRECTLY TO SEE WHICH ONE OF US IS RIGHT AND WHICH ONE OF US IS YOU. WE WILL HAVE A TRUE MEETING OF THE MINDS, IF YOU WILL. YOU MUST SEEK ME OUT BY GOING TO CW123 AT 8PM THIS COMING WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17TH. IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND, THEN I AND ALL OF MY READERS WILL CONSIDER YOU A COWARD AND A LITTLE BABY. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
SINCERELY,
ANDREW SCHILLER
¹ The comment in question was not actually the first comment on the site. Rather, Andrew was merely on hard drugs when he wrote this letter.