- Maxwell Maceluch
Donald Trump Held in Superposition State Prison Where He Is Simultaneously Arrested/Free
Much confusion has spread over what should be a seemingly simple, innocuous inquiry: has former President Donald Trump been arrested for something-something Stormy Daniels something-something photos with Jeffrey Epstein something something Capitol riots something-something last Tuesday after a series of NYPD armored vehicles boxed him in? The answer: eeeerrrrrm… It's complicated! The legal system is quite complex, after all; Chris-Chan has just been released from prison, so truly anything is possible. (If the last statement means nothing to you, it is in your best interest that it remains that way). Trump remains in a far less definitive state. In fact, until he is formally observed, he is being held in a quantum state prison wherein he is in multiple states at once. Specifically, he is being held in the unofficial state of Puerto Rico, much to his dismay, while simultaneously roaming free in the mainland. Pfizer, Moderna, & Johnson & Johnson have once again collaborated with the United States government by tasking their top scientists with making sure that the singularity does not become a risk to national security.
“I’m a special boy,” the free prisoner stated both beyond and behind bars, “I’m a very special boy… Tremendously special. They’re calling it a superposition, they know it’s because my position is very super, very super.” How did he receive such special treatment? Purchasing the best lawyer money can buy, James McGill, he was saved by an inscrutable argument presented before the judge and jury: “Your Honor, fully sentencing Donnie Boy here would be woke.” His arrangement was then immediately settled upon. Due to the ingenious inner mechanisms of quantum physics, no one exactly knows what this partial confinement looks like in practice, however. Much like the findings of Erwin Schrödinger, if someone’s state is unknown, they obviously exist in multiple states at once. The only hint we have of the imprisoned side of Trump can be seen through the double-slit that is just wide enough for supporters to lick his boots through them two at a time.
“As long as he isn’t getting two scoops of ice cream from this arrangement,” an amorphous and slightly wet comedy news anchor with dark, short hair, glasses, and a suit announced the other night on the Daily Late Tonight Show following the semi-incarceration, “I’m kinda thrilled. I doubt prison food mixes well with cofeve, but after all these years, I’m truly just drumpfed by the whole ordeal. You can purchase our #MAGONE hats on our website.” Upon an SNL guest star hobbling up to him with taped-together glasses, a white, collared shirt with pens in the breast pocket, and pants held up by suspenders in order to tell the host that he is still mathematically free, the anchor clicked his heels together. “Eureka! Our ratings are saved.”