- Nick Monastero
Binghamton Foot Club Denied Funding for the Third Year in a Row
Over the past few years, many student run organizations have been funded that push the envelope of what makes a successful club. Unfortunately for Foot Club leader Flick Heely, the journey hasn’t been a smooth one: “the SA just doesn’t understand my vision,” Flick told reporters. “It’s expensive hiring women to let us drool over their feet, figuratively and literally. It’s not even that sexual but it still costs a small fortune and I don’t know if I can front the cash anymore, and the worst part is that now I have to tell my parents that I failed again.”
Flick also mentioned that there might still be hope for the club: “I don’t want to get too ahead of myself here,” he told our reporter, “but there have been talks with the Cheese Club and we’re pretty close to getting approved for a very special ‘foot-cheese tasting,’ and that gets me rock fucking hard.” Flick’s face fell serious, “But don’t quote me on that.”
“Oh, I don’t know what Flick told you for publicity reasons, but the club is 100% sexual.” self-proclaimed “foot advocate”, Buck Altos, said in an official statement, “I’m not trying to hide that I love sucking toes more than my own eventual children. The real problem is that the SA is kink shaming us.” When asked to elaborate, Buck had a slow response, “It’s not like we’re forcing these women to do this, we ask everyone woman we see if they have cute feet and only the ones that don’t get creeped out get paid. You shouldn’t be on Tinder if you can’t handle a simple question about the sexiness of your feet.”
Buck gave a shout out to director Taika Waititi in his statement as well, “... I loved all those parts in Jojo Rabbit with ScarJo dancing, but in that one scene that I won't spoil, damn. I didn’t think I could love feet any more.”
Foot Club continues to meet every Thursday at 2am in that one dark hallway of the Fine Arts Building (on Flick’s dime).