- Brendan Boyce
Bill Murray Murders New Jersey Groundhog to Escape Time Loop
The quiet village of Milltown canceled their annual Groundhog Day celebration after the unexpected death of their prized groundhog, Milltown Mel. Mel’s Facebook page was updated with “We Wranglers are sad to report that Milltown Mel has crossed over the rainbow bridge”, which is a blatant lie, because Milltown Mel is most certainly going to hell after his well-documented stints in rehab for alcoholism and sex addiction.
The autopsy held yesterday provided DNA evidence that Bill Murray actually poisoned the beloved groundhog. The esteemed actor did not deny the evidence, as he was quoted saying “Of course I killed that weaselly sonuvabitch, he trapped me in an infinite time loop where every day was the same. It was even worse than filming Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. I had to choose between murdering a groundhog or completing my character arc of ‘seeing the good in humanity’ and ‘stop being a self-absorbed prick by taking responsibility for my actions’, so of course I butchered that rodent.” No charges have been placed on Murray, because well, you know, fuck it, he’s Bill Murray.
On the bright side, the New Jersey Supreme Court decided that spring will come early this year because a groundhog stuck in the eternal black nothingness of death can’t exactly see his own shadow. Netflix has already bought the rights to Mel’s likeness, and will release a true-crime series named “Murder in Milltown”, with Mel voiced by a fellow vermin, James Corden.