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  • Lester Milgram

Bankrupt Boy Scouts Can Now Only Afford to Hire Convicted Sex Offenders

After the announcement of their anticipated financial situation, BSA President Wes Powel gave a live statement broadcast over C-Span.

“I’m sure they’re mostly good people.” Powel began, “I mean, our organization has had one of the highest percentages of sex offender workers for decades and we were mostly fine. The only organization with more predators is the Catholic Church and I think that’s hardly a bad thing.”

Powel puffed out his chest, “We admire them quite a bit actually. You could even say we’re married to the Church but uh, not in a homosexual way of course.” He took a hard swallow, his discomfort on stage seemed to skyrocket as he looked over his shoulder at his wife, Leslie. “You can ask any scout, we clearly don’t have a problem with the gays anymore after we let them in so… One moment please.” Powel trailed off and poorly covered the mic as he turned to the assistant. His murmurs could still be heard quite well, “What are we in trouble for again? Right, sex offenders. Crap. How am I going to talk my way out of this?”

Powel looked towards the sky as if god had prepared him a personal teleprompter. He hunched over into the mic, “Alright, listen, BSA was founded as a way for kids to grow up with a set of core values in morality and the outdoors and, I’m just going to say it, who knows how to better connect to kids than pedophiles? Should we have hired some non-pedo security? Probably. But can you fault us for being ambitious?” He looked down at his notes that almost certainly disagreed with what he just said.

“Ok, you probably can fault us for that in this case. In fact, we filed for bankruptcy specifically because we’re anticipating a lot of lawsuits pointing out our faults here. But damn, we nearly had the perfect equilibrium of pedos for a while there.”

At this point, Powel’s microphone was shut off but he still continued to be picked up by our fearless reporters in the splash zone. “Not even letting girls in helped our reputation enough and that was the most progressive thing we could think of. Like come on, where in the goddamn name ‘boy scouts’ is the word ‘girl’? Wait, who turned off my mic?” In an attempt to finish strong, Powel gave the “Nixon double peace sign” and walked out of the, still mostly bored, room.

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