Organ Harvesting: A Layperson’s Guide

Amidst stagnating wages, rising costs, and the funneling of trillions of dollars to the 1%, the American economy has become a near-dystopian wasteland where 60% of the population is unable to afford a minimally decent quality of life. But while the working class struggles to make ends meet, most are unaware of the incredible source of supplemental income they walk past every day: the value contained within the bodies of their friends and neighbors!

A single lung, when sold on the black market, can net a value of up to $75,000, while skin can be sold for as much as $10 per square inch. The human body is an untapped wealth-generating resource, but most don’t know how to actually go about accessing it. In this article, I will guide you through the basics of starting your own organ-harvesting side-gig, and engaging in the great capitalist tradition of profiting at the expense of the bodies of others.

Step 1 — Identify your target

An experienced organ harvester, much like a jeweler, will be able to appraise the value of the organs contained within a person with just a glance. As you are just starting out, though, anyone who will fit in the trunk of your car will do.

Step 2 — Harvest the organs

Many erroneously believe that one needs some degree of medical experience to successfully harvest organs, but really all you need is a strong stomach, a flexible moral compass, and a decently steady hand. Don’t worry if you botch your first attempt — everyone makes mistakes, and there’s no shortage of places to hide a body. Properly harvesting organs is a lengthy process that rewards patience, and the fruits of your labor will only grow as you gain experience. Always be sure, though, to keep certain equipment on hand, such as a tarp to lay down over any furniture or carpeting, and some sort of refrigeration device.

Step 3 — Get fucking paid

Once you’ve harvested your first set of organs and disposed of the evidence, it’s time for the most important step in the process. How you choose to sell your organs depends mostly on personal preference. Selling them through a fence is definitely safer, but the profit is lower, and finding a good one can be hard. The process of finding a fence is different every time, but a good rule of thumb is that you get what you pay for. Alternatively, if you want to increase your profit margins at the cost of a bit of risk, you can sell the organs yourself, either to hospitals or directly to wealthy and desperate patients. If you do this, though, remember that you will be spending a significant portion of your time networking and finding buyers, which means less time to harvest organs. However you decide to move your product, keep in mind that what you’re selling has a distinct shelf life, and while it may seem like a good idea at the time, lying to a cartel about the expiration date on a pair of kidneys is likely to be the last mistake you make.

Step 4 — Flee the country

While this step may seem superfluous if you properly disposed of your evidence, it never hurts to be extra cautious, and the FBI is a famously cruel mistress. Besides, a nice vacation is a lovely way to relax, de-stress, and spend your ill-gotten cash (and if you accepted non-cash payments, then there’s no hope for you). The secret here is to pick a country that both is picturesque, and lacks an extradition treaty with the United States. Wait here for a few months until the heat has blown over, then safely return home, and get back to business.