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  • Brendan Boyce

Anti-Vaxxers Distraught at Discovery of Flu Shot


This week outside of CVS in Binghamton, a crowd gathered to protest the flu shot vaccines, claiming they had finally realized it was a vaccine after 76 years. This year's flu shot has bioengineered nanobots created by Bill Gates and George Bush used to track the American public and alter their genetic code, according to some guy outside CVS that hasn’t showered in three days. Ironically, all of the protestors were wearing masks to protect themselves from “vaccinated sheeple” and liberal germs.


During an interview with a protestor, one man said “The government shouldn’t be allowed to mandate vaccines. And now I’ve learned that Epstein played a part in covering up that the flu shots are vaccines too. This is just like a dystopia, brother. Have you read 1984, brother?”

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As the English-major reporter coyly alluded to only having read the SparkNotes, the protestor was prevented from listening by the need to cough blood onto the ground, on account of the rampant tuberculosis that had been building up in his immune system.


“Yeah dude, it’s a fucking dystopia, simple as that. Before I got the vaccine, everything was perfect. But after I got the vaccine, I started going on Grindr every night and having rough anal sex with these young, hot dudes. I wasn’t gay before, but now I wake up in the middle of the night, and invite three or four extremely good looking men to my place to absolutely go to town on me. It was after I got the vaccine, that’s causation not correlation man.”


The protestor soon left to wave his confederate flag in the middle of the crowd, but the crowd of protestors, estimated to be six or seven people, was easily dispersed by the Binghamton Police Department after the participating officers lost interest in the rally.


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