It’s no secret that students and alumni of Binghamton University’s School of Management have incredible drive, passion, and intelligence. SOM graduates have gone on to do great things such as: administering handshakes which aren’t too weak, yet aren’t too firm, either; learning to control their laughter upon hearing the name of the bank, “Goldman Sachs,”; solving connect-the-dot puzzles at a collegiate level. The list goes on and on. And so, after receiving hundreds of requests for an exceptional entrepreneur who is able to navigate the business of the digital age, the School of Management has invited viral sensation Andrew Tate to give a lecture this upcoming Thursday.
Looking not to waste this golden opportunity, SOM students have already prepared questions to ask Tate. For example, Mike Oxlong, a freshman with an interest in business administration, wants to ask Andrew Tate which cars are most masculine and would best hide his obvious male deficiencies. Meanwhile Ben Derhover, sophomore and prospective stockbroker, is curious as to whether or not Tate has seen the movie The Wolf of Wall Street, and if he too likes cocaine. Harry Johnson, a graduate student working as an analyst for Citi, is sure that he looks exactly like the Tate and simply needs confirmation from the chiseled content creator himself, thereby proving the attractive girl he met last weekend at the Rat incorrect. Johnson would also like to enlist the male mentor’s help in talking to women he meets at the Rat.
Following allegations of human trafficking, Andrew Tate has been deplatformed by many of the world’s largest social media companies including, among others, Youtube and TikTok. Evidently the now-disgraced influencer was eager to accept Binghamton’s invitation to speak at the School of Management. “I see myself inside of a lot of these students,” spoke Tate to an audience of hundreds of lower and upper-classmen, graduate students, and unenrolled Tate devotees, biting his lip while appearing to direct his gaze at a group of Freshmen. This line was followed up by a prolonged silence from all present, who were most likely captivated by these wise and uplifting words from the acclaimed founder of Hustler’s University.
At press time, Tate was spotted at the Target in Parkway Plaza purchasing cooking and cleaning supplies to give out to female students upon completing his lecture and aggressively suggesting to his cashier that they lose weight.