While Sex Week is usually a time for Binghamton University students to rejoice and discover the basic functions of their anatomy, many were appalled when the event’s penultimate celebration, Sexapolooza, was over in a matter of minutes. Reactions ranged from understanding to unapologetic disappointment. “It’s okay…” one woman attendant explained to the disheartened Late Nite supervisors responsible for running the event, “...things like this happen. There’s still other things we can do.” But other attendees felt differently. “This is exactly what I expected,” said the janitor of the event. “All this hub-bub for 30 seconds of fun. Pathetic. It takes longer to drive to this damn event than it takes to participate in it.”
This debacle didn’t go unnoticed by the Late Nite team. “We realize that the event, while student run, didn’t live up to expectations this year. We would like to remedy that,” said Late Nite coordinator Jennifer Keegan in a statement released this past weekend. “We here at Binghamton University believe that community comes first, and as such want to remove any barrier to entry for communication, and relationship building. Myself and the Late Nite team carefully considered which campus groups knew “how to have a good time.” After deliberation, Late Nite convened with representatives of many Greek-Life organisations we consider to be the backbone of our campus community and shining examples to our students. Ultimately, we decided that to spice up next year’s Sex Week, we will be temporarily suspending the functionality of our on-campus blue light phones.”
When students raised concerns regarding the potential safety issues that disabling the Blue Light system may pose on the Campus Activities Facebook page, the page responded "We are all adults here. There is no need to baby our students or our staff. We have other safeguards in place.” When even more concerns arose following this weekend’s Fraternity-run “Victory Parades”, the page for the Binghamton University Office of Fraternity & Sorority Life commented this: “There are no safety concerns, as Binghamton University holds its Greek-Life organizations to the highest standards.” When students called out the reply by citing statistics that showed the abnormally high frequency of sexual assaults within Greek Life, the page replied with this: “Have you not looked at our Greek-Life Relationship Agreement Form? Our Greek-Life organizations have pledged themselves to upholding the integrity of our community.” The BUTT can confirm that the Relationship Agreement Form is in fact paper you can put your name on.
We continued to interview faculty and students throughout the week about this controversy. “I think this will really bring people together more naturally,” said Chad Smith, a twenty-six-year-old Long Island hailing gender-studies major and self proclaimed “Super-Duper Senior.” “I know all about these kinds of things, I study how men interact with women for a living. Dating apps these days really create barriers between natural relationships, and I think [Late Nite’s new initiative] solves that.” Without breathing or blinking, he also pointedly added this: “Some girls just need a push, you know? It’s good for them.” When students began to rally on the outside walkways, a professor at Binghamton’s School of Management, renowned for the TedxBinghamton “How to Create Convincing Grifts” lecture series, replied to the safety concerns by saying that “...even if there are any, is it really avoidable? Greek-Life is just an inevitability of college. Cry harder.”
Binghamton’s campus has been in perpetual clash since then, with many (even some international organizations) calling for the complete dismantling of off-campus fraternities and sororities. This prompted one last statement from Binghamton’s PR team, which said: “…Fraternities and Sororities will not be going away, as they are way too profitable for us.” They backtracked this sentence for half an hour before going on to elaborate: “They are ...profitable for all of us, that is, thanks to the undeniably positive effect they have on our community. Now can we just put this to rest and have some fun? Let kids be kids? Besides, half those phones don't even work anyway-” (the representative's statement was cut off by a nearby Campus Police officer tackling him to the ground for no apparent reason).