A Message from the Binghamton University Budget Office

Hello, students!

I am honored to begin the new year as the new president of the Binghamton University Budget Office, and with the air of new beginnings around us, seek to make some changes from how my predecessors were running things. Though this should be a time dedicated to friendships, relationships, and freshmen who haven’t learned their alcohol tolerance making it everyone else’s problem, some less fun worries, like money, can crop up. And in the spirit of new beginnings and full disclosure, boy let me tell you:

The school has no money.

This sounds bad, but it is thankfully much, much worse. Much like its alumni, the school has long struggled with staggering amounts of debt, and has not turned a profit since 1994, which everyone knows is the main purpose of education. Luckily, though, I pledge as your new treasurer to see us through these financial worries and return the university to profitability!

My first step will be granting myself, and all other faculty in the Budget Office, a $50,000 bonus, as well as a semesterly $25,000 expense account for key mental health activities such as jet ski rentals, tickets to the upcoming AKB48 concert, male strippers, and other such expenses. This is because I am a firm believer that things have to get worse before they can get better, and because recent psychological literature asserts the importance of enhanced motivational states in problem solving, and I can think of nothing that would enhance my motivation more than lap dances and the sweet sounds of Japan’s greatest J-pop group.

Second, the university will be implementing new cost cutting measures, such as rolling blackouts in the dorm buildings and the immediate firing and replacing of all non-tenured faculty with AI teaching models. I am very confident that this will have no negative consequences and will will do nothing but better our school for the next three years, which is when I can collect my pension and get the fuck out.

Lastly, in order to increase the school’s income, the BU Brain, B-Engaged, Brightspace, and the Housing Portal will all be turned into monthly subscription services, all accessible through a new app, the B-Hub, which is the exact same as the Brain except that it is worse in almost every metric of actual functionality and guzzles roughly 50 gallons of water per day per user through its unhelpful AI features that cannot be opted out of.

Take heart, students, for though we steer a fraught course, I listened to a bunch of podcasts and asked Grok about this, and they all say that I’m doing great! And, in the extraordinarily unlikely event that these plans fail, the school is in negotiations with Spirit Halloween for use of the East Gym this October.

Stay strong out there!

Dan Bananagram