- Nick Monastero
Walmart's Cyber Monday to be Held in Person
In an official press conference this past Tuesday, Walmart Head of Personal Relations, Melissa Porpoise announced the superstore’s new schedule for holiday sales.
“Look, I get that you’re upset that you can’t come in and send someone to the hospital for a cheap tv the day after eating stuffing but you have to understand that our hands are tied.” Porpoise made an accompanying gesture before continuing, “But having huge sales on Friday in store was giving us way too much heat from Twitter. Scrolling through, those people really think they’re in the right, and I don’t know if any amount of PR can change that if we continued to have Black Friday.”
At this point, an enormous smile came over Porpoise’s face as a large sign covered in cloth was wheeled on stage next to her. “Luckily for all the people of Walmart, we found a…” she pulled the cloth off the sign to reveal the word “Loophole” written in all caps and Impact font. “We’re just gonna push it back! Cyber Monday? Yes yes yes!”
At this point, the press erupted into a frenzy of questions:
“Isn’t that the same problem?”
“Will there be paramedics on sight?”
“Only if someone gets trampled.”
“Why are you doing this?"
“Money! I mean, deals!”
“I hear your concerns about safety and I’m here to tell you that we are taking every precaution. Every location will be offering free shots to patrons in an attempt to make sure everyone has an authentic shopping experience.”
A reporter then asked how Walmart had gotten access to the yet to be released vaccines.
"What? Not those kind of shots, I'm talking tequila. Or gin if you prefer. It’s gonna be sick, we promise.”
The sign was then flipped around to reveal Walmart’s new slogan for Cyber Monday: “It’s Gonna be Sick!”
Porpoise was escorted off stage and led to the sleigh parked outside of the building, which she used to fly away, as is tradition after saving Christmas.