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  • Max Lieber

University Introduces Band of Rugged-but-Lovable Mercenaries to Replace UPD

It appears that the University will be phasing out the typical University Police trooper for a small team composed of highly dangerous, albeit quirky and lovable guns for hire with questionable mental stability. A poll conducted by the Campus Citizen Review Board found that “students would feel more comfortable with having a team of ‘bloodthirsty, but strangely affectionate murderers who are paid to kill people’ on campus rather than UPD.” The BUTT has gathered intel regarding the University’s prospective hires for the team. Underneath their rough exteriors, we hope that you will see they have big hearts.


Carlos the Killer


Señor Carlos Carillo Zambada y Esposito el Asesino, aka “Carlos the Killer” or "El Romantico", is an infamous mercenary hailing from Mexico City. In the mercenary community, Carlos is known for his extensive knowledge regarding explosives, incendiaries, and other “large impact” devices. While Carlos’s main hustle is completing mercenary contracts, he also likes to rob banks and trains on the side. In terms of his personality, Carlos is a wild card: at one second, Carlos can be a terrifying dynamite wielding maniac, and in the next, he is the sexiest man you will ever meet. He certainly has a way with words, and can compose a beautiful guitar-accompanied sonnet that will enchant anyone in a heartbeat.


Carlos is one smooth guy, and we hope that this trait will not lead him to make unwarranted sexual advances towards students.


One-Eyed Willy


Sir Willy Williamson III, or “One-Eyed Willy”, is a famous assassin from the UK. Raised by the tough streets of Glasgow, Willy’s eye was removed in a fight with a stray cat that attempted to mug him. This childhood experience, while traumatic, was actually the start of their friendship. To this day, Willy's closest companion is Whiskers the Tabby, who you may see accompanying him around campus. Even though he only has one eye, Willy’s specialty lies in never missing a shot with his flintlock pistol. While he may seem callous at first, Willy is a great guy once you get to know him. Due to his funny British accent and affection for his feline friends, he will certainly be a fan-favorite among the student body.


Stay on his good side, or you'll be on his bad side.


Joe


“Joe” hails from Queens, New York. To Joe, there is nothing better than a bagel, a donut, and a good cup of coffee (or a cup of “Joe”, if you will). Apart from his mercenary work, Joe works as a mechanic in his garage in Queens. Even though he is a very busy man who kills people for a living, Joe is also a family man, and a loving father to his teenage son and three little girls (if you even think about touching any of them, Joe’s gonna make you pay). Joe’s weapon of choice is his trusty wrench.


Being a city guy, Joe doesn’t take too kindly to being held up. Make sure you don’t take too long at the crosswalk because... “HEY! HE’S WALKIN’ HERE!”


The Mime


...


The Crusher


Not much is known about The Crusher. It is believed that he was part of a seedy underground wrestling ring before being hired by the University, though our sources do not know or cannot provide us with the location in which this underground ring is based. The Crusher is known for his primitive manner of speaking. Most of his sentences involve crushing people in some way, shape, or form. For example, he will go “Crusher wanna Crush!” when he desires to crush someone. If there’s one thing The Crusher loves more than crushing people, it's hugging them. If you hear The Crusher go “Crusher wanna Hug!” in your immediate vicinity, it is generally advised to tell him “No hugs, Crusher!” in an authoritative tone, or to simply run away.


Recent public scrutiny surrounding chokeholds might not be good for The Crusher. Let's hope he can stop himself from using his "Mega Crush" technique.



Dog Dick


If there are any mysteries to solve on campus, Dog Dick is on the case! Dog Dick is a detective who just happens to be a dog. He will mainly work with police investigators in the on-campus precinct, though you may spot him around campus doing field work. As a dog, Dog Dick understands human behavior like the back of his paw. His excellent sense of smell will also enable him to sniff out any illicit substances that students may happen to have on hand. One of Dog Dick’s favorite activities is chasing his own tail, as it’s existence is a mystery he has never been able to solve. He is also known to love a good belly rub.


While Dog Dick may seem to be the most innocent of the bunch, appearances can be deceiving. He is wanted for several hate crimes throughout the US.



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