BINGHAMTON, NY – The act of going to college is often credited with helping up-and-coming adults to discover previously untapped facets of their personalities, culminating in them finding their identity. To that end, lots of male freshman turn to joining fraternities to help them discover who they are, with varying results.
However, due to increased exclusivity and severity of hazing in these institutions, many have started to question whether fraternity houses are essentially glorified cults. Jarvis Stevens, a freshman who is currently undertaking the process of rushing a frat, was asked to describe the nature of hazing.
“Wearing a pineapple on my head to lecture every day isn’t so bad,” said the determined freshman. “Now that Chad and the rest of the brothers have let me cut eyes holes out, I’ve finally stopped bumping into walls and tripping over all of the chairs.”
According to Jarvis, Chad has assumed the leader position in this fraternity. Chad has been very vocal about his disagreement of comparisons being made between fraternities and cults.
“Sure, we might ask people for money in exchange for social acceptance and inclusion in inside events,” explained Chad. “But I bet most cults don’t put Monster Energy in their jungle juice.”
Despite Chad’s assertion that he is not running a cult, sources report that the frat house holds a sort of prayer ritual each night: to start, each brother kneels and pray to a button-down shirt from Ralph Lauren and a pair of Sperry shoes, reciting sacred verses from the popular song “Like a G6.”
Once the beginning prayer is over, Chad will lead a sermon instructing the frat brothers on how to attract women. The leader sits down each brother down and recalls the story of how he once had a threesome with a set of triplets at a mixer, brimming with pride. Then, Chad will recall the time when had a foursome with a set of triplets during that same mixer. And then there was the other time when Chad had a six-some with the pair of twins and the set of triplets during that same mixer. Sources were able to confirm that Chad read these passages out of the sacred Book of Dude-eronomy.
With the sermon concluded, each frat brother recites the sacred words posted on a tapestry on the walls of a dingy, beer-soaked dance floor: “Trust me, we’re not a cult,” they robotically chant. “Now, how about you and I go upstairs?”
At press time, sources reported sighting these fraternity brothers carrying Jarvis’s lifeless body wrapped in a carpet and dumping it into the Susquehanna River. The freshman had presumably succumbed to alcohol poisoning and died.