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  • Maxwell Maceluch

The Campus is Alive...

We were dumbasses to assume the giant, pulsating BU Brain tucked away in the bowels of the Fine Arts building was the end of it. Complete idiots. God, how stupid could you get? Seriously? What good would a brain be without a body? I mean I’ve gotten some nice brain before, but that’s beside the point. Have you ever wondered why it’s called The Spine???? Huh????? What about Dickinson???? Wonder why Sodexo food tastes like that, why it leaves students constantly shitting their own brains out? Did you think it was because Sodexo’s French? Well yeah, actually, that checks out, but no.

The student body as a whole is luckily gone for break, but that unfortunately makes it easier for the “campus body” to hone in on those that remain. Normally, the faculty drive around in their bulbous little funny white cars, waiting for the unassuming student passing by to go on their phone, and then they whack them with Binghamton certified batons before burying them in the popular burial site that is the nature preserve. The lack of proper salting on the slanted back of the beast that is Binghamton is an intentional decision on their part as it allows them to switch from directly taking care of students themselves to letting gravity work its magic.

Now, with no one looking, what we’ve assumed to be the Spine’s tiles open up to swallow students whole. They are, in reality, a form of shell plating; they loosen up and squirt acid when pressure is placed on them as a defense mechanism. Molecular analysis suggests that Sodexo harvests this substance to feed and weaken students so they can get bludgeoned and buried with ease. If harnessed correctly, however, it can be used as an intense psychedelic that makes you believe you’re from Long Island. Will this madness ever stop?

We have approximately 24 years to prepare for its eventual awakening. It cannot be stopped. We’ve tried. Suped up on dozens upon dozens boosters and sedated by the brain chips that play a nonstop feed of colors, lights, and noises, future students might have a chance against this gargantuan beast if they finally notice that its hibernation has come to an end.

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