It’s that time of year again, where the weather finally is decent for only finals week in Binghamton, which means the campus will be infested with a bunch of dudes spiking balls shirtless. Sigma males across the country are crawling out of their disgusting dorm rooms to play corn hole and remind you that you don’t have enough cool friends to play games with. As a reminder to anyone reading, if one of these spikeball people comes up to you, and asks to play, even if they’re nice, never accept. I accepted one of these requests freshman year, and ended the year on the floor of a frat house overdosing on cocaine. If I’m being honest, I might miss being a terrible person, but I have reformed since being a spike ball person.
The people who play spike ball on the quad, are not in fact people at all. They’re NPC’s sent from the government to assimilate college students into capitalist society. Spike ball people may look, act, and talk like us, but don’t let them fool you. Underneath their skin is metal and electricity, powered by the blockchain. If they seem normal, and way cooler than you, it’s simply because they were programmed to do so. If you become friends with them, you will find that all you do is watch movies made by Disney, only listen to music from the Billboard Top 100, and that any humanity that hasn’t been destroyed by the technological dystopia we live in will be transformed into dispensable corporate garbage. Don’t let the spikeballers turn you into a consumerist slave, and instead be that guy that can’t stop talking about that indie movie he saw last week that everyone finds absolutely insufferable.