Study Shows That CIW Residents Ingest Ten Grams of Lead Paint Monthly
College in the Woods is not only one of Binghamton’s oldest residential communities, but also its most lead-paint coated. This is already a well-known fact, as one CIW student has stated, “Yeah. We know it sucks. People like to tell us that, as if we don’t already live here.” However, the extent of the lead paint amount in the dorms was not confirmed until a recent study that demonstrated the varying amounts of lead paint inhaled and ingested by CIW students each month.
According to researchers, the average CIW resident will ingest ten grams of lead paint every month. This amount varies slightly between each building, with Oneida students consuming significantly more paint chips than Mohawk residents. We interviewed a freshman from Oneida who commented, “Mmm. Yummy paint chips. Sweet treats.”
One critique of the study posits that its numbers are skewed. In fact, it is likely that the average CIW resident only eats about half a gram of lead paint chips per month. Lawrence “Lead Paint Larry” Johnson, who resides in Seneca, consumes over 50 grams of lead paint every month and is an outlier who should not be counted. Lead Paint Larry has become a staple of the community, known for hissing at other students and scampering through the halls at night.
In critique of the critique, CIW students have banded together to proclaim that their residential community just wouldn’t be the same without Lead Paint Larry. Thus, he needs to be included in all future research of the dietary habits of College in the Woods.