BINGHAMTON, NY – They say that theater is a medium that allows the performers to spread emotion to the audience. By watching a live play, people can really feel what the characters feel. Incidentally, Binghamton University’s Hinman Production Company recently put on its production of Radium Girls. Written by the acclaimed playwright D.W. Gregory, the play follows the life of U.S. Radium Corporation president Arthur Roeder, specifically focusing on his involvement with the so-called Radium Girls (wink!) who were poisoned while painting glow-in-the-dark radium watches. People have been sharing their “glowing reviews” for HPC’s production with the BUTT, calling it “jaw-dropping,” “truly illuminating,” and “What the hell is this I didn’t sign up for this let me go please.” However, it turns out that some of the viewers who were there live may not be able to appreciate the show for much longer.
It started on the morning of March 24th, the morning after the final performance, when pre-med major Ray D. Ahm went to Decker Health Services complaining of general fatigue as well as pain in and around his mouth area. Chalking it up to ligma, Decker promptly sent Ahm away with a band-aid, an ice pack, and two Flintstone gummies. However, more and more students started coming in and reporting similar symptoms. Medical professional Nadia Dachter expressed her bamboozlement to the BUTT, saying that, “We had never seen anything like it before. We were forced to chalk it up to severe anemia and make those university students pay copious amounts in hospital bills. What more could we have done?”
Since the illness doesn’t appear to be contagious, some conspiracy theorists are chalking it up to the glow-in-the-dark paint used to portray the radium during the play. In an interview with co-directors Chloe Feinberg and Ivan Kraszynski, Feinberg denied these allegations, explaining that, “At HPC, we only purchase the highest quality props, costume pieces, and especially paints. I mean, that shit was so fucking expensive. Who charges over a hundred dollars for a quart of paint? It’s really […]” She continued to ramble on for several minutes. When our interviewer asked Kraszynski if he had anything to add, Feinberg pretended to punch him over and over while saying, “Yeah, pookie! What do you have to say?” Kraszynski only stared our interviewer in the eyes with a haunting expression for several seconds before saying, “This year isn’t looking so good for you.”
With that, our interviewer decided to quickly file a few restraining orders and then get some info from a few cast members. Clarissa Glick, one of the cast members who was completely new to HPC, claimed that, “Sure, some of [the production team] may be terrifying, but I don’t think they’d try to poison anybody. Well, probably not, anyway. Dinner tasted a little funny last night.” When prompted for an interview, all HPC company president Pam Goldfarb ever had to say about it was “No comment.” And with that, the cause of the illness remains unknown, but we do now know one thing: a hundred dollars for paint? I mean, what the fuck is that? How could anyone…