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  • Helmcue Clamwax

Sexapalooza Raffle Winner To Have His Personal Gooncave Pimped Out

Updated: Apr 2, 2023

The Binghamton University Health Promotion and Prevention Services lived up to the latter half of its title as a means of preventing safe sexual practices at the sixth annual Sexapalooza. Among those who entered its raffle - represented by a bowl of tadpoles that was dumped into another containing one (1) egg at the end of the event - one (1) reaped the most forbidden of fruits: a thorough pimping of their gooncave. This isn’t some sort of nasty euphemism, you sick pervert; a gooncave is closer to a mancave than any sort of boyhole. More specifically, it is a room, typically a basement, where one sets up several monitors and photographs displaying pornography so that they may masturbate for hours on end to reach a trance-like state known as “gooning.”

“You’d be shocked over how many people show up to this thing without a partner,” Director Ivana Coutermash revealed to an undercover BUTT reporter who bravely attended Sexapalooza in person, “personally, I think they might be expecting something else from this program for some bizarre reason. After the third or fourth time hosting this, we decided to cater to our actual audience instead of our expected one.” Now, as anyone who is anyone knows, the safe-for-work palooza is just a front for the literal underground orgy festivals that only those who are sexy enough to solve a series of obscure, trivia-based riddles can participate in. For those that don’t dig deeper, however, there is still a sense of satisfaction to be sought after through the raffle.

As per tradition, the chosen one will be taken to an undisclosed private location for an interview regarding their personal preferences and the state of their gooncave. After the conference phase where a board of shadowy designers determine the nitty-gritty of it all, 4-6 brave ResLife workers, also known as the "Goon Squad," will don hazmat suits and other PPE necessary for the affair. Shortly after, they will be deployed at the witching hour, when their powers are most potent. This way, any potential roommates or parents the winner has would be none the wiser. In the event that they somehow lacked a gooncave, an architectural excavation team may appear on-site in order to create a brand new floor (in utter silence, so as to not disturb anyone). To get a clear idea of how it works in practice, let us look at last year’s raffle winner, William Seamen.

Seamen had a thing for cyclops girls. Years and years of porn consumption led him down a rabbit hole where they were the only people that could get his goat, but this was relatively tame considering what else he could have gotten into. Sure, his self-made gooncave had a personally commissioned pinup and print-out here-or-there, but his mind’s eye and pirate-themed sex had to do much of the work until the workers came. Once they came, one-eyed Willy’s vision came to life. Baroque style murals of photorealistic women with a singular, ginormous eye performing obscene acts littered his once mold-ridden walls. Displayed atop them were framed images printed on that fancy photo paper you save so you can print out photos and use them as sentimental gifts. At the center console sat two customized leather chairs with towel lining and built in Gawkonator 5000s in front of a wall of 1440p 60fps monitors of varying heights and widths (as it is customary to bring a friend along for the gooning process as a straight bonding activity). Just out of view lay several ethernet cables, Lambda Hyperplane graphics cards, and liquid cooling systems to ensure a seamless, smooth experience. The content displayed, of course, was media edited to replace the actresses’ unseemly pairs with a single, big, beautiful eyeball thanks to the power of modern technology. A Yamaha - 5.1-Channel 4K Home Theater Speaker System with Powered Subwoofer and Bluetooth Streaming - Black could be found in every corner of the room. If one were to pay close attention, they may notice that the lights lining the ceiling are not LEDs, but, in fact, a connected string of Apple Watches that also displayed content. The ceiling itself was comparable to the Sistine Chapel’s, though the sex plastered in the gooncave was far less focused on men. Unfortunately, Seamen was found dead in his apartment on Groundhog’s Day this year after putting off basic self care to bust nuts to such an extent that he was just firing blanks by the end of it. May he have reached eternal peace surrounded by his busty one-eyed babes.

“I just wanted to learn about the horrific reality of the relationship between sex and everyday life through statistical analysis while eating free ice cream,” this year’s raffle winner Dick Wienerpenis admitted, “if only there was some sort of program like that on our campus that advertised itself as a lighthearted romp into stuff like dildos and whatnot. Oh well.” A lengthy and exhausting month after his lucky draw, Dick continues to anxiously await the day when a ResLife worker will arrive at his door and commence the pimping process. We asked him what he planned to request, and he informed us that it would be "something involving frogs, toads, and other amphibians." While the prolonged pimping process has pushed his resolve to its utmost limits, Dick continues to hang in there, waiting for the moment when he shall reap the sweet rewards of his patience. However, as we all know, these things almost always end in disappointment.

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