BINGHAMTON, NY— Students across campus look forward to Spring Fling every year, the highlight of which is a musical performance heralded by a big-name performer. Needless to say, many students were dismayed to find out that their requests were not heeded, and the SAPB opted instead to recruit Surfaces and Imanbek to headline the concert even. Sources can confirm that Surfaces and Imanbek are both, in fact, musicians and/or bands of some kind, but information on either of them is scarce, as nobody has ever heard of them.
“Usually we hire a performer who’s popular with our student body as a reward to everyone for working so hard all semester to make this university proud,” spoke one SAPB committee member of the decision. “This year we wanted to subvert expectations.”
Another committee member had this to say: “I actually really like Surfaces. I’m not making this up. Before hiring them, I knew exactly who or what Surfaces is, depending on whether it turns out to be an individual or a band. I like that one song that goes ‘na na na na na.’ Yeah, that one. It’s totally a real song and not one that I’ve just made up now. Seriously, Surfaces is really cool and I’ve totally heard of them. Please believe me. We’re the SAPB.”
Students in particular had been hoping that Ice Spice would be selected to headline the event, and the SAPB were originally working toward hiring a performer their student body would enjoy. “We would have loved to have had Ice Spice perform for Spring Fling,” spoke SAPB treasurer of these efforts. “It was a matter of money, and our organization not having enough of it to hire anyone college students might have heard of.”
A small demonstration that took place on the Spine yesterday proved just how unpopular the decision has been amongst the student body. A group of protestors, possibly numbering 10 to 15 students, assembled in a line, cutting off the campus thruway. They donned orange afros and held identical signs that displayed "BITCH I'M A BADDIE I GET WHAT I WANT LIKE" in bold orange lettering. Campus police attempted to disperse the protestors, but instead found themselves prostrate on the ground in front of those assembled, admitting that they were all, in reality, "just a munch."
At press time, members of the SAPB were spotted on the Peace Quad surrounding a Bluetooth speaker, listening to the music of Imanbek and trying to convince themselves that it sounds “kind of similar to Gunna.”