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  • Phill Collins

Queen Elizabeth II Is Dead, Don't Bother Fact Checking Because It's Real

In breaking news, the Binghamton University Times Tribune 🚽 has been granted exclusive coverage of the death ☠️ of the Queen 👸 Elizabeth II of England💂‍♂️. Our source from inside the Queen’s inner circle (it was Prince George 👶) has informed us that Queen Elizatizabth died ❌ earlier this week when she saw those Kanye posts ⁉️. The Royal Family 👑 has decided to keep her death quiet 🤫 to protect the economy 💸. She joins the ranks of Margaret Thatcher 💃 for dead mid-tier ⛔ female 👧 British 😳 leaders 🎩 in the 20th century.

Honestly, this is probably for the better ✅✅✅ considering her son’s about to go to jail 🏠 for pedophilia 🙊, her husband died 🙉, her grandson and his wife walked out of her life 🙈, and her favorite daughter-in-law died in a car accident 😬, not in that order.

Prince Charles would have become king 🤴, but he’s actually been dead for a couple months 🤯. It’s another state secret 🤌. Therefore, the crown will go to Prince William 👨‍🦲, which is unfortunate because he’s bald 👨‍🦲. Members of the newly founded Rancel 💅 movement are calling for the end of the monarchy 🦋 due to this very fact 👨‍🦲. The word Rancel, similar to the equally hideous word combination Brexit 🤢, stands for “royal cancel”— a call to end 🛑 the House of Windsor 🏚.

While one house falls, another may take its place. Some Brits 🚬 speculate that greasy-looking 🌚 Prime Minister Boris Johnson 😤 might make a claim for the throne 🪑. It’ll be interesting to see what Biden 🕺 has to say about this. 🤔

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