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  • David Belkin

Professor Proud of Student for Crapping Pants Instead of Disrupting Academic Space

Updated: May 1, 2023

BINGHAMTON, NY— It was the poop heard around the classroom wing. On April 13th, what had begun as a series of seemingly inconsequential stomach noises had turned into something much more serious as university student Mark O. Skid had defecated in his pants during his three-hour English discussion. “I had originally tried to hold it in,” spoke Skid of the incident. “But toward the twenty minute mark, holding it in was no longer an option. It was a doo-doo or die moment.”

His classmates were none too pleased with the nauseating smell percolating from out his underwear, especially the student sitting behind him. “I’ll never forget that odor,” spoke one particularly affected student. “It smelt like chili sauce marinating in Sodexo-mandated preservatives.” Evidently, the majority of his classmates had felt that the discussion in class was not important enough to stick around for at the risk of jeopardizing their nostrils. However, his professor, Dr. Paulson, was adamant that his attendance for the entirety of the lecture was crucial, and expressed great pride in his students’ bowel movement: “It was important that every student in that class understand that I had once ran into John F. Kennedy in a diner in the early fifties. Only, I didn’t recognize him, mind you. He wasn’t famous at the time— just some good-looking kid. But I knew he was extraordinary. He ordered a Monte Cristo sandwich, only the diner had run out of Monte, so he had the Cristo well-done. On his way out, he walked by my table, and I looked him in the eye and said, ‘You’re gonna be president one day, kid.’ He looked toward me and said, ‘Maybe you will too.’ Boy, was he wrong about that!”

Dr. Paulson expressed that in the minutes preceding the ill-timed bowel movement, he had not realized the severity of the situation: “Sure, his face may have been a little red. And he might have been wiggling uncontrollably in his seat. And the student behind might have been begging me to let him go to the bathroom, and was sure that they would soon faint from the smell. But I knew everything would be fine. I told Mark to take the extra pair of underwear out of his backpack just in case, but he had said that students don’t carry extra pairs of underwear with them. Well, they did back in my day. Especially these two kids I used to hang around with, Abercrombie and Fitch. Anyway, I couldn’t have been prouder of Mark for what he did to ensure his attendance in my class. He’s going to grow up to be an important C.E.O. of some kind, and he’s going to be soiling his pants with the big leagues, mark my words.”

At press time, Binghamton University had officially released a statement declining to cover the fees for the defecating students’ dry cleaning.

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