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  • Yuri Mumm

Professor Encases Students in Unusually Round “Cone of Silence” for Talking in Class

The traumatized students, Lloyd Pearson and Ace Complise, agreed to recount his experience in an interview with BUTT reporters, on the condition that there be a licensed therapist in the room. “I was talking with my buddy here, Ace, about our fantasy football team. We’ve had a good season so far; We’ve only lost seventy bucks, and made three dollars back. Anyways, our Professor, apparently she had a problem with that. Maybe she doesn’t like football, or something? So, she has one of her TAs come up to us, and ask us to come to the front of the class. And then… Oh dear lord, and then…”

Lloyd was unfortunately so overwhelmed by terror that the therapist demanded he be escorted from the room, his sobs resounding through the office even after the door closed behind him. Thankfully, Ace was able to finish the account of what happened. “Professor Lance demanded that we wear something. It looked like two fish bowls with a tube connecting them, like a pair of goldfish wanted to hit a bong together. She placed it on us, and turned to the rest of the class. We couldn’t hear crap of what she said, but after it was over, one of our pals, Annie Oyed, told us what she said.”

Reporters managed to get a comment from Miss Oyed, who was in fact not their pal. “Those dumbasses always are so loud in class. Professor Lance did the right thing, in my opinion.” When asked about the apparatus put over the “dumbasses,” Miss Oyed said that the Professor had called it a “Cone of Silence.” According to her, it was from her previous career in “some branch of government or other. She never says which agency she was in.” After the interview with Ace and Lloyd, their therapist explained their behavior with science. “There are certain students with a condition known as D.U.N.C.E, which stands for Deafness Under Numerous Class Experiences.” To summarize the larger explanation, if there are enough people in a college setting, students with D.U.N.C.E cannot hear themselves nor the professor, meaning they are unable to realize that class has started, and keep getting louder to try and hear themselves. It also has side effects on the students comprehension of life around them, as they fail to realize that by doing this, they are wasting their time and money, as well as frustrating their peers.

To raise awareness for D.U.N.C.E, the Office for Student Transition and Success will be partnering with the CARE Team to table in the library, as well as offering a class explaining it in depth next semester.

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