Op-Ed: I Didn’t Take a Shit in the Union Lobby. But if I Did, Here’s How I Would’ve Done It
‘Twas the Wednesday before finals when all through the Union, not a student was stirring, except for the one kid absolutely fucking geeked out on adderall shitting on the floor. An event some called “the 9/11 of our generation” and a “poignant protest of wealth inequality from the perspective of an eastern northeastern pan-Scandinavian un-asexual androgynous schizophrenic BTS fan in a society embroiled in late stage capitalism and a catastrophic corporate consumerist culture” culminated in a mysterious shit-sized shit on the floor of the university union.
Of course my alibi that exonerates me from this heinous crime is that at the time of the offense, I was having sex, specifically with your mom. Yes yours. Ask her bitch, you fucking won’t. If any self-respecting BU BUTT writer wanted to prank the school by unloading bodily fluids on the ground it would be cum. An unholy amount of cum.
To start my plan, I’d have to follow a restrictive diet. I’d eat the night owl chicken tenders for a small bit of constipation, followed by two chipotle burritos, washed down with coffee to get my digestion system running for a maximum payload. After a few scientific experiments to test my theory, I broke an industrial grade toilet in the lecture hall, so I would say it was a success. The best time to drop my beautiful artwork on the ground would be between 4:30-5:30, after the floor is cleaned, so at least a few denizens of the university can enjoy my handicraft first thing in the morning. And that’s my plan.
However Harvey plans to implement the computer cameras meant for social distancing back into the union lobby to prevent anymore “lion-sized shits”. Although Harvey admitted that the media coverage of the phantom shitter has diverted the attention away from his embezzling of taxpayer money and his complete incompetence in running a University.
The investigation into the culprit has run dry for the police, as the last suspect Dunkin Dave was ruled out after his coworker testified that “it couldn’t be his shit, his are so mammoth in size they made me question the laws of physics and the existence of God.” As this semester closes, we at the BUTT would like to remind all faculty and students to please only go to the bathroom in a toilet, or the mouth of another consenting adult.