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Op-Ed: Am I the Asshole for “Forgetting” to Check on My Prisoner (M66) From 6 to 6:30 AM? (PREMIUM)

Hey BUTTHeads! This story happened a while ago, but it’s been bothering me so I wanted to get it off my chest and find out if I’m really the asshole in this situation. I know that a campus publication isn't somewhere you'd expect to see a post like this, but there aren't a whole lot of outlets who are willing to publish my story. This isn't easy for me to write, but I feel compelled to do so. Here goes nothing.

I (M36), am married to my lovely wife (F34,) and we have two amazing kids ((F12) and (M10)). We live right outside of New York City with my mom (F67) and dog (M8).

I work as a prison guard during the night shift at the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn, and I get home every day by 8 AM at the latest. I don’t smoke, but I occasionally drink. I’m in bed by 11 AM, and I make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I’m trying to explain that I’m a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies and avoid winning and losing whenever possible, as that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to get into a fight, I wouldn’t lose to anyone.

At my work I came under fire for a bit of controversy a couple of years ago. You see, one day a prisoner was sent to our jail. Now, there’s nothing special about that as prisoners get sent here all of the time. Apparently, he was some pretty well known dude, but I had never heard of the guy. Shortly following him being booked, every now and then a couple of kids would come to visit him. At first, I never thought anything of it. However, this would happen A LOT, and eventually I asked my coworkers if they knew anything about his underaged guests. Honestly, I just figured that the dude had a lot of children. I was not expecting to hear that he was involved in a massive sex trafficking ring that included kids. I thought this prisoner was just some guy, not the scum of the earth.

Upon hearing this, I was pretty upset and I may have let that get the best of me. At this point, the prisoner was in an isolated cell (since he was on suicide watch for one reason or another) and I had the perfect plan to execute. So what I did may have been controversial, but I’ll let you guys be the judge of it. Between 6-6:30 AM, I turned off the cameras directed at his cell to make sure that nothing can be traced back to me. During this time I went to his cell, “peacefully” subdued him, and finally I did something that totally wasn’t hanging him from the cell ceiling. That would be wrong and immoral. Long story short, he was found dead in the morning and the autopsy showed that it was a suicide.

The problem now is that people at work are now looking for the person who did that, and they keep referring to him as an "asshole." After the incident, nobody really gave a shit. All of a sudden, the topic came up again in the office, and now they're saying that we needed him alive to “get rid of all of the evil billionaire pedophiles” or something like that. Right now, I don't feel comfortable telling them that I was the one who did it. But if I don't, then how will they ever know that I was just trying to defend myself? After all, the guy was a huge dick. Anyway, I’m now kind of worried that I’m going to get fired for this if anyone finds out what actually happened. So, my fellow BUTTHeads, am I the asshole?


Edit 1: No, the prisoner in my story is not "Jeffrey Epstein." I don’t even know who that is.

Edit 2: Thanks for the BUTT Premium kind stranger! This is the first time someone gave me that.

Edit 3: Wow! This really blew up, thanks for all of the likes!

Edit 4: After doing some research on Jeffrey Epstein, I have to admit that he seems like a pretty bad guy. I would also definitely “forget” to check on him and totally not kill him at about 6-6:30 in the morning IF I was his prison guard.

Edit 5: The prison guards involved seem like some cool people.

Edit 6: Ok, I’m getting pretty tired with all the people commenting that I’m the guy who killed him. The person I totally didn’t kill was not Jeffrey Epstein. I wish I could have been the guy to do that, but it wasn’t me. I’m going to log off for the night now. If you’re going to leave a comment please don’t make it about Epstein, I’m genuinely looking towards figuring out if I’m the asshole and I don’t think I can make peace with myself until I do. All these comments are really hurting my feelings.

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