- Phil Thornburg
Legislators Argue Over Whether Or Not Roe V. Wade Applies to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch
Yesterday, chaos broke out at the 35th Annual Congressional Dog Pagent after Superintendent Chairman Richard Rider opened the floodgates for potential legislation regarding the enforcement of Roe V. Wade on the giant pile of trash in the Pacific Ocean. Attendees, who hoped to "have a break from politics" at the event, were initially confused when he suggested an enforcement of anti-abortion law on the gigantic floating mass of trash in the ocean. However, this all made a bit more sense once he clarified that he was talking about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch instead of Britain.
Taking up about 620,000 sq mi of ocean space, the patch comprises trash from Asia, South America, and, most importantly, North America. Rider argued that, as a partially American product, American law should apply there. He drew the body's attention to how laws regarding the reproductive rights of women would be among these laws. Due to the lack of any form of sentient life on the island that could enforce these rules and the lack of literal stable ground for that life to reside on, Democrat lawmakers reubutted that this feat would be impossible. According to Rider, this is all the more reason to station heavily armed police boats there. Within his proposal, the women engaged in an act of abortion that aren’t gunned down by the police boats will be incarcerated and forced to work for the state, similarly to how things work back home. Centrists theorize that while it would deny them basic human autonomy, this strategy may be a form of good if the incarcerated women are made to clean up the trash pile. However, Rider’s plan specifically prevents anything that will alter the pile from its current state. With growing awareness of microplastics, many are starting to consider the garbage patch a modern cultural heritage site that transcends race, ethnicity, and culture itself. Rider noted that “It’s made out of the very stuff in our lifeblood…that’s pretty powerful. This is why we need to limit autonomy there at all costs, even if a few lives are lost in the process.” Most conservatives are divided over this issue. Some argue against the value of the trash pile, not because it’s a giant pile of trash, but rather because it’s a giant pile of trash made from the combined efforts of various nations. Many conservative news outlets have touted that the diversity of the trash that comprises the island "reeks of Globohomo.” Others are thrilled by the notion of imperial rule over a foreign territory, even if that territory is garbage.