Binghamton University’s 23rd biannual networking event, the Job and Internship Fair, was held virtually earlier today. This continued the school’s proud tradition of extensively marketing itself in STEM while milking all other students for their cash while they take classes from departments funded less than most high schools.
At the BAE Systems virtual table, students were spoiled for choice with opportunities ranging from Engineering Assistant to Thermal Engineering Assistant, and at least one student, Cameron Markey, a Junior majoring in Mechanical Engineering, said they felt the wealth of options was overwhelming. “It’s been a long time dream of mine to work on minimizing the torque required for liftoff on a rocket,” they said, “but I never thought I would be able to find work in that until this event, when I realized every single one of the 300 employers here was looking for someone like me.”
Recruiters at the Collins Aerospace and Collabralink Technology tables, occupying neighboring virtual space, confided that they had been worried their similarities would make it hard to sell students on their company’s individual merits, but according to Leslie Collins, those worries were ultimately unfounded: “You know, I saw that we were next to them for the fourth year running, and I thought we would cancel each other out and blend into the background, especially because we all wear the same gray suits and we all do the same, extremely specific step in the manufacturing process, but engineering students kept forcing themselves through Zoom and out of my computer screen like the girl in The Ring just to shake my hand and ask to connect on LinkedIn.”
When reached for comment, Leslie Collabralink agreed, recalling how a mass of students found her personal Facebook account and managed to triangulate her home location from her tagged locations- “An excellent application of mathematical theory,” in her own words- and then showed up en masse to ask to network. “It was like a swarm. They were peering in through my window, foaming at the mouth, and they kept saying, ‘I have a 3.8GPA and am proficient in most engineering software, and would like to put those skills to use repeating the same three calculations over and over again to help the company most efficiently split its intellectual labor.’ It was heartwarming.”
At press time, the university’s English, language, and arts majors, along with its 15,000 PPL students, were said to be telling themselves there was always next year.