• Maxwell Maceluch

James Corden to Be Banned from All Public Establishments (and How to Collect His Bounty)



Following Balthazar’s decision to exile famous screamer James Corden from their restaurant on account of his inappropriate hexing of several staff members, each and every business - from family-owned bike shops to McDonald’s - is putting their foot down in an attempt to squash his reign of terror like a cockroach or perhaps a little mouse. “I detest employees as much as the next guy,” Starbucks’ CEO Howard Schultz announced in a LinkedIn vent post, “but that wretched, infantile manthing has had it far too good for far too long.” The BUTT will commemorate the decisions of people like Schultz by placing a bounty on Corden’s head. You can find details on it below.


Balthazar was far from the only place Corden had corrupted with his grubby little grippers. Remember Maximus Figures? Binghamton locals certainly should, but for those who don’t, it was a pretty neat figurine store with stuff like Breaking Bag figures and Dragon Balls statues. That was, until James Corden decided to pay them a visit in the same vein as Post Malone’s 2017 appearance in The Colonial. Unlike Posty, however, there were no survivors and they were consequently forced to close. Those motherfuckers wouldn’t accept my Ziploc bag full of no less than ten rare Smurf figurines, so I’m not actually that upset by Corden’s actions here, but it’s the principle of the thing.


“It’s just like the ending of that one episode of Black Mirror,” Corden revealed on a piece of paper posted in the Los Angeles Town Hall as he’s been banned from all social media platforms, “not that I’ve seen it, per say, but as a Brit the entire show is embedded within my DNA, as is my undying loyalty to the crown.” He would later be fined for referring to the monarchy without a license. Beyond the likes of the proverbial blocklist, Corden has also been placed on the No Fly List, the Hollywood blacklist, and the Interpol Terrorism Watch List. The Times Tribune Gangstalker Division has additionally spotted him scrounging for scraps in the woods, suggesting that the global grocery ban is finally in full effect as well.

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WANTED

DEAD OR ALIVE (PREFERABLY THE FORMER)

JAMES KIMBERELY CORDEN OBE

$70,000,000/£61,922,245

CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, PUBLIC INDECENCY, REALLY NOT THAT FUNNY

!!!!BEWARE HIS TOXIC ORAL SPRAY!!!!

(RANGE: 10 METERS)

LAST SEEN BANGING ON DOORS IN NEW YORK CITY

LIKES: ADRENOCHROME, MUSIC, CRUMPETS, PROBABLY

PLEASE SUBMIT PROOF OF CAPTURE TO THEBUTT@BINGHAMTON.SA

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