• Travis Steiner

Idiot Freshman Raises Hand at Rhetorical Question



“It was devastating; like watching a dog get flattened by a truck,” says classmate Phill Collins. At 11:13am on Tuesday, February 8th, Phill, and several other Philosophy 101 students witnessed a tragedy. A freshman in the class, who requested we keep their identity anonymous, raised his hand at the professor's rhetorical question.


According to classmates, the freshman in question has been known to “raise his hand way too fuckin’ much”. His excessive hand raising has reportedly gotten to the point where students in the back of class groan when they see the student in question’s hand go up, and to the point where this student has earned their own codename in the class GroupMe. Time and time again, this student was known to raise their hand at virtually any chance they had, be it an interjection, a genuine question, an answer to the professor's question, or even the answer to another student's question. But this time, it was different.


Phill stated that the professor was going over their weekend reading when the professor asked a blatant rhetorical question; one that rang in the ears of each student as a question meant to ponder, not to answer. That is, for all students except the notorious freshman sitting smugly in the front of the class. After the question left the professor’s mouth, the room was completely silent except for the rustling of a jacket, the sliding of fabric against the torso, and the subtle noises produced by the raising of a hand. The collective mind of the students in the class went from philosophical reasoning to utter pity in mere seconds. The professor, whose facial expression was described as similar to that of "a deer in headlights", appeared to be unable to speak or move.


Witnesses reported that several students got up and left, unable to handle the stench of the sweat produced by the anxiousness of this freshman. Others, who had been paralyzed by the sheer volume of secondhand embarrassment, were escorted out by the righteous workers of Harper's Ferry. To a near empty classroom, the professor announced that he will not be finishing the semester, stating that “… this was my breaking point, I can’t take it anymore.” As for the freshman, he has yet to be seen since the end of class on Tuesday. As a message to all students going forward: Please, for the love of God, refrain from being like this student. Rhetorical questions and regular questions are significantly different – learn the fucking difference.


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