- Graham Young
Hmmm: Stained Baxter Suit Found Following Valentine’s Day Disappearance
Ah, I love the smell of organic decay in the morning. After an unannounced Valentine’s Day outing, Binghamton’s beloved bearcat mascot Baxter has been found, suit, stench and all - but he’s not looking too good right now.
Stained, battered, and clearly unaccustomed to physical forms of affection, the Baxter suit was unearthed from a storage closet inside the Couper Administration Building. President Harvey Stenger, whose office contains the aforementioned closet, is reported to have found Baxter in such a state.
As Stenger related to UPD, “I found him, lying helplessly and hammered in my personal, locked closet. I don’t know how he got there or why, but I did what I could to save this poor, cute, absolutely THICK-suited bearcat. Again, I don’t know how he got there though. No use worrying about that part”.
The campus community is, of course, upset to see Baxter, the bearcat we know and love, in such poor condition. Sure, he had his flaws - previous unexplained stains, a foul odor, a hint of sociopathy and convictions for assorted war crimes in the former Yugoslavia - but he always stuck it out to cater to the campus community. According to fledgling student organization “BaxterFax”, Baxter has never been so grievously injured during a single night. A club named “FasterBaxter”, known for its hooded robes and exclusive blindfolded orgies, also reached for comment. During an interview at one of their moonlit gatherings in the nature preserve, the enigmatic leader of FasterBaxter described his own outrage at Baxter’s current state:
“Who did it, when, how, and why wasn’t it us that did it?”
Despite prodding by members of the Pipe Dream, Binghamton Review, CNN News, FBI, and some paparazzi dipshit, Baxter remains tight-lipped about the circumstances of his wild night. He refuses to speak to the British BBC at all, and sobs uncontrollably at the very mention of BBC. All he has revealed thus far is that he drank a Corona, the blood of his enemies, two Twisted Teas, and some campus tap water, but remembers nothing else.
Well, I think someone will determine who Baxter was with all night, but we can’t figure that out right now. So, as responsible journalists, we’ll just say it was James Corden, hope for the best, and call it a day. At press time, Corden was seen with Baxter’s bearcat wife, Baxtavia, on a trip into the secluded Binghamton nature preserve.