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  • Writer's pictureBU Times Tribune

Far-Right Militia Group Attempts to Take Back-Country Medicine

“Blood and soil,” the local private military company known only as the “Based Boys” chanted last Wednesday as they downed ivermectin in an attempt to strengthen their takeover of America, only to soil themselves with blood a few moments later.

Emerging in late 2016 in a counter-backlash movement against those against ex-President Donald Trump, the Based Boys hold a prominent position in the right, right alongside the hacker “4chan.” When asked what exactly his “Boys” are “Based” on, Supreme Commander Socrates Scholasticus erupted on our reporters, going on about how white people descend from aliens, Democrats are satanic baby-eaters, and every major tragedy or human achievement after 500 AD was staged. His armed underlings, who similarly all use vaguely Greco-Roman codenames, are based on all of that, we figure.

“Covid is also a hoax,” Militia Treasurer Bophades Xiroikarpoi added when we visited him in the UHS Binghamton General Hospital, “but I read somewhere that its supposed cure, ivermectin, counters the effects of soy, which Big Pharma is shoving down our throats to forcibly feminize the nation. I showed our Supreme Commander the article and he ordered a truckload.” Soy has no such effects, nor are its actual ramifications lessened by ivermectin in any form or fashion. The Boys were unaware of this, however. Pregaming to overpower the Binghamton Town Hall with pure masculinity, all one hundred troops downed a box of the stuff each. They resultantly spewed red liquid shit out by the gallon just before deployment and Operation Force by Horse was swiftly canceled in honor of Sergeant Συσσυς Αμογυσ, who did a poop so bad he died. The company intends on avenging him with the aid of another miracle drug once they recover, possibly doing so in adult diapers. “This was an Antifa psy-op.”

This isn’t the first time a Based Boy self-medicated for the sake of empowerment. “I took the red pill to see the truth,” former soldier Pupienus Balbinus explained to the BUTT, “and it turned my skin green. My dealer gave it to me free of charge before I called the authorities for his degenerate drug-selling. Anyway, I thought everyone would consider it ‘kino’ since I now resembled a ‘rare Pepe.’ They instead started hurling brand new racial slurs at me.” What the fuck is their problem? What do any of these terms mean? We may never truly know for sure.

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